JenniBean's comments

Disclosures of Sexual Assaults often lead to Dissociation

23 Oct 2006 05:09 PM

Megan,

I cannot thank you enough for writing this for me. You are such a wonderful friend. I love you!

xxooxx Bean

Reclaim the Night: An Electronic March for Women

20 Oct 2006 06:10 PM

I'm going to tell you my story because I need to get it off my chest. Not very many people know the truth, but I'm telling it now. Babysissy, if you can't handle it, please do not read on...

I was 13. My parents live on an 8 1/2 acre farm property in a very quiet, upscale town in New Jersey. Crime happens there so seldom that we rarely closed our front door during nice weather, let alone lock it... Part of the 8 1/2 acres is a lovely wooded area that had trails cut throughout for walking & bike riding. I loved nothing more than to walk those trails in the morning. It was so serene, with rabbits, birds, and other curious creatures scampering about...

One Saturday morning, I set out for a walk. I can still remember what I was wearing. I had a pale yellow t-shirt & matching stirrup pants on (this was when they were in style) with a darker yellow sleeveless button down sweater over it. It was my favorite outfit. I loved how that outfit made me feel...

Along the trail, I noticed a sleeping bag, garbage bag & some trash. I was curious about the items in "our" woods, but not alarmed because it was "our" woods. As I went further along, I came across a man. He was very large & dressed raggedly. He had something in his lap & asked me if I wanted to take a "hit". What he revealed was cocaine & I had no interest in drugs. I must admit, I was a goodie two shoes, straight A student. I was happy, and had seen enough after school specials to know better than to sniff something up my nose...

My refusal angered this man so quickly that he was on his feet in seconds. I was scared & ready to flee, but he caught me by surprise & both wrists. He smeared the cocaine on my lips & face, telling me he knew I'd like it. I started to cry, which made him angrier. He told me not to cry; that he knew what I needed & I would like it very very much.

The man pushed me to the ground & ripped off my sweater. He started to play with my non-existent breasts and rub my most private area. I was crying & he pinched me hard. When he pulled my pants off, I froze. This horrible man was touching me in ways I had never been touched & I hated him. He held me down while snorting more cocaine, then grabbed a tree branch that was nearby. He used that branch to torture me sexually. When he saw blood, he realized I had been a virgin. This excited him, even though all I did was lay there in pain & cry. This enormous blond hulk was suddenly on top of me, and all at once inside of me. I thought I might split in 2, but I wasn't that lucky. He just kept using me for his pleasure. When he finished I couldn't move. I just lay there staring at the trees from the ground. They were thick, so no sky showed through. No sun, no clouds and I realized, no curious little animals... Just me & the blonde man sniffing more cocaine through a dirty tube. Because I didn't get up, he decided I wanted more. I was withdrawn at that point, & don't remember much more than him using me, and finally showing enough mercy to walk away.

I could have been laying there for days, but when I got home, torn & filthy, it had been less than 2 hours. My daddy was working, my mom & sister were still sleeping. I went into the bathroom & studied myself. There I was, pretty face caked with dirt... body parts scraped & bleeding... Yellow sweater gone forever... innocence stolen. I stood under the shower for an hour. No matter what I used to wash, I couldn't get the horribleness off of me.

My mind started to race... My mom would never love me again because of what happened... it was all my fault for going out there... I can't be daddy's girl anymore... I decided then & there not to tell anyone what I went out & did that morning. I was now a worthless whore, and I couldn't bear it if anyone knew...

When mom woke up & came into my room, she saw my bruises. "What happened to you?" she asked. I made up a lie about trying to ride my bike off the steps of the barn & boy what a tumble I took. Unfortunately for me, my mom believed me. I didn't lie to her & she had no reason to believe anything other than what I told her.

I stayed in my room all summer long, vowing never to go back to those woods. I read so many books that I filled an old wooden toy box with them. Nancy Drew, Trixie Belden, Harlequin Romance... If it was in print, I read it. I liked the mysteries because they were so cool. I loved the romance novels because when the men took their women it was with love, not force.

Many years later, I started dating. I found that I could not be intimate beyond a hug with Caucasian men because of that horrible morning in my favorite woods. I found myself attracted to African-American men, which was a serious problem with my parents. They thought I was racist against my own people, but they got over it. I was what you'd call a serial dater. I never stayed with one guy long enough to let him really know me. The big joke my senior year in high school was the Boyfriend List. Unfortunately it wasn't a joke, and I was seeing all 12 guys at the same time...

I found out in 1995 that I had genital herpes from the stupid man that took so much from me in a coked up moment he'll probably never even think twice about. My world was shattered again. Who would want to be with a woman with an STD? How do you have that convo with anyone? I was dating Scott. Scott was a 6'4" black man that didn't care about the STD. He believed he wouldn't catch it. Luckily, he didn't. I had learned to be careful, but I also learned that he wasn't. He was sleeping around & betraying me. He is the one man that managed to break my heart, and I was devastated.

I eventually started to calm down, & met my husband. I told him right away about the herpes. He broke up with me. We got back together. He used cocaine & I had to tell him my rape story one night when he was really high because he noticed my nightmares. They plagued me for years, and he was the first man I ever spent the night with. We got pregnant in 1997, and I had a nervous breakdown 2 hours from my parents, with my juvenile sister at my apartment. I called the local hospital because I sat in the bathtub & contemplated slicing my veins. They sent a cab for my sister & I. When I got there to speak to a counselor, they threw my naive behind into the psych ward.

I had to call my mom from the hospital & tell her everything because she had to find a way to get my sister from Pennsylvania to New Jersey before children's services took custody of her. Babysissy, I love you, and I am so sorry you went through this ordeal...

My mom was so sad, she had no idea what had happened to her little girl. Now she knew why I rebelled in high school, why I couldn't bring myself to date white men, why I cried in my sleep... My papa bear wanted to kill the man that took his little goldi-lock's child hood away, but I never told the police & there was never a rape kit. No evidence, no crime.

I was so afraid I'd lose my baby that I was in & out of the hospital constantly. My precious little man is now 9, as you know, and has no idea of what mommy has been through. My depression started then & continued forever. If you've read my journals, you already know it comes & goes.

The love of my life is Darnell. He is the only other person I've ever told this story to, because he helped me survive the cancer that the awful morning ended up causing when I was 25 years old. In addition to the genital herpes, I had also contracted HPV. Undetected, HPV can grow into cancer. Because I hated being touched, I didn't get pap smears until I became pregnant & stopped getting annual exams upon giving birth. Had I gotten annual pap smears, they would have detected the pre-cancerous stages & I might not have had to go through surgeries. The irony is that after the surgeries, I had to endure paps every 3 months for a year, then every 6 months for 2 years, & now finally just annually. By the way, I am 5 years cancer free, and with some luck, effort & prayer, I may be able to have another child someday. Darnell has always been supportive & I tore his heart out. Maybe some day he'll love me enough to trust me again. We used to play "I love you more," & I always let him win. Right to the day I left him to go back to my husband after a 3 year separation... D, if you are reading, I am so sorry.

If you think differently about me after reading you, that's your problem. I didn't ask for this to happen. I didn't deserve it. Evil exists. I know because it still haunts my dreams. I'm finally working with a fabulous doctor & taking the medicine that keeps me on the up & up. I don't know what life will bring. Once my divorce is final, I have to make a whole lot of choices. Life is about choice. I chose to walk in the woods, not to be raped brutally...

Rock Spiders and Short Eyes: Do We Need Tougher Sentencing.

15 Oct 2006 05:32 PM

Bravo! What a wonderful article, complete with links to support your thoughts. Anyone that has ever been involved to an extent with sexual abuse of any kind would find it nearly impossible to remain unbiased on this topic. As a victim, I doubt I'll ever find a sentence fit for a sexual ofender that preys upon children. I know personally that the scars left behind last a lifetime & effect so many facets of life. My feeling is that every facet of the offender's life should be altered as well. In my area, sexula offenders are required to notify police of their offense when they move to a neighborhood. The police then notify parents of children in the neighborhood for our protection, but we are NOT ALLOWED to speak of the offender with others. What an outrage that is! Megan, you are to be commended for the work you do & the passion with which you conduct your proffesion. XXOOXX Bean

How to Handle Change, and, WELCOME SnugglePie.

13 Sep 2006 06:26 PM

Megan, this is such a wonderful article & can be tied into so many of life's situations! Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this & sharing your 8 tips on coping with change! I will certainly keep a copy on hand for future reference!

Diary of an Overweight MOM: My Story

06 Sep 2006 07:38 PM

Hello, ladies! Since I am starting a new life for my son & I, I've decided I will not be the "fat" mom that all the kids talk about. Cisco has enough on his plate just dealing with the fact that Mommy & Daddy won't be living together any more. I have to say that I did pretty well today, but I DID have a doughnut (the french cruller kind) from Dunkin Donuts to celebrate a new staff member that started working for me today... Tomorrow I will be walking the neighborhood with Cisco in tow & munching those carrots. I heard about a coffe that supposedly helps you lose weight. Has anyone heard of (or better yet, used) "Lean Bean"?

Diary of an Overweight MOM-Will I Lose The Weight? Will You Join Me? The CHALLENGE.

05 Sep 2006 08:25 PM

Hi, Cathy!

I need some inspiration & an on-line diet/excercise buddy sounds like a great idea! Can't wait to read up tomorrow! Fingers are crossed, and prayers will be said...