Jtmur1's comments

Should You Confront a Narcissist about their Narcissism?

23 Jun 2009 08:39 PM

Hi Beth, I submitted a lengthy comment yesterday re taking action with a NPD sister. the fallout is ramping up with various members of my family phoning to pressure me to make up with her. I expected this might happen and have told them that I am not including them and it is between my sister and myself and they need to stay out. I know this will continue and it will probably get to the point where we can't visit as my sister continues with her tears and stories, as it has in the past. Any advice on anything else I can do besides keep silent and not involve other people?

Should You Confront a Narcissist about their Narcissism?

23 Jun 2009 05:15 AM

Hi Beth, I believe my sister has NPD and for as long as I can remember I've had to watch out as she is a master at recruiting people's sympathy when she believes she's been wronged and then engages in a campaign of as much emotional destruction upon the perpetrator as possible, especially through the 3rd parties she's engaged- particularly family members if she can. she is conscienceless.

She has become worse and worse in the 23 years since our parents both died of cancer when we were teens and for the most part I've managed the 'dance' of avoiding being too involved but still in basic contact until recently. I always under pressure to do this for my wider family who love us both.

She is capable of extreme behaviour when feeling threatened: emptying out the house of her 1st husband she was leaving on the day of his grandmother's funeral, running over my foot with her car, lying about worthless items that she witnessed my mother giving to me before she died that resulted in them being split (ie plastic rosary beads) in what seemed an attempt to make sure i didn't have more than her.

I've watched her bully her children and yet do nothing when they bully other children, I've watched her 2nd husband change from standing up to her to being so worn down he simply ignores her and lets her have her own way. But her most extreme recent behaviour has been over the last 2 years. when my IVF daughter was 6 weeks old, my husband suffered a near-fatal heart attack and had open heart surgery. I was separated from my daughter 12-14 hours a day to be with my husband and it was a most errible and scary time to see him suffer and have to face being a widow and single mother. We were living in my sister's unit (only as a last resort) for 2 months while my daughter was born and we settled our new house and she insisted that new renters come through the unit when my husband was just home from hospital. the only way to get her to back off was to pay her an extra 3 weeks rent so my husband wouldn't be disturbed for the 4 days he was home before I moved us into our new house. His recovery depended on it but her convenience had to come 1st and I thought I was going to have my own heart attack from the relentless pressure she applied. I had very little to do with her after that but kept in touch as I feared (as i still do) for my niece and nephew.

Was very relieved when her husband was posted to Adelaide where the rest of our family are until we visited last august and I organised a small gathering for my baby girl's 1st birthday. It was just cake and coffee but it was special as she wasn't supposed to live and it was a momentous milestone to the 3 of us and all we had gone through to have her. My sister tried to take over the arrangements and I heard from other family members that she had started telling them it would be at her place instead of the arrangements I had made at a local cafe. Events at her house over the years have been exercises in being nice to the rest of the family and snapping/ screeching at/ bullying her husband or myself so I rang her and told her that I'd made my own arrangements and it would not be at her house. then the hysterics began and they are still going.

She refused to come and stopped her husband and children from attending. Since then she's been recruiting whoever will listen to her 'side'. Despite me losing an IVF baby since and the stress of 6 subsequent months on IVF to now be pregnant again she has maintained this campaign against me and luckily most of my family do not buy into it but some are easily lead and it makes visiting very difficult. I've had to cut off contact with her as it's become clear that it will never end, not even in life/ death situations. I will contact her to get the children together but don't expect anything to come from this as she'll use this to further her own ends and in standing my ground it means my 2 yr old daughter will likely miss out on her cousins.

This tears at my conscience but I cannot be held to ransom by her anymore for everyone else's sake and 40 can now handle better what 20 could not. It just makes me very sad and I do feel rage for all the crap I 'took' and ignored for the greater good of my wider family.

I wish I had done this 20 years ago. I'm planning some counselling to help me deal with my anger that has finally surfaced.......do you have any other suggestions for me to deal with her?