julibeth's comments

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

19 Oct 2008 07:34 AM

I recognise that! I think it's an acute lack of self esteem from your mother's behaviour towards you, and not ever being allowed to work out what YOU want rather than always having to please her. I had no emotional confidence and sleeping with men seemed to be the only way I could relate to them. I ended up marrying knowing it was a mistake, but feeling I had to go through with it because he said he couldn't live without me. Pressed all those buttons the NPD mothers press. 30 years later I'm still married to him and still wish I wasn't. But as you get older change gets more frightening, especially if you have no support. It sounds as if these men treat you just like your mother did. And then your reaction is to feel inadequate when they don't call just like you did when you were little and your mother behaved as if she didn't love you - ignored you, was hostile, sulked, or whatever her method of disapproval was. So then you go back into that child mode and keep saying to yourself, what did I do wrong, how can I make it up to her etc. etc. I'm no expert, but if I try and think what advice I wish someone had given me when I was younger I would have said first of all YOUR MOTHER IS NOT NORMAL and however she make you feel it was unjustified. Not only that but ABNORMAL. She USED you to make herself feel good. It wasn't your fault. Then look at your feelings when you are with these men. Are you desparately trying to gain their approval? Make them like you? Then try, with the next one, to deliberately go against type. Imagine you are an ice maiden and under no circumstances are you going to even kiss him, much less sleep with him! Just as an experiment! Be fun and enthusiastic etc. but DON'T DO IT!! Not for weeks. I have found that perfectly nice men can be utter heels with some women, and perfect gentlemen with others. If you lie down, they'll walk over you (so to speak!) Don't lie down, not until you are absolutely sure you like this guy and are doing it for you and not for his (your mother's) approval. Good luck!! Let us know how it goes!

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

24 Sep 2008 01:44 AM

Dear HopeNOW, what a story, and I am so pleased you have distanced your mother from yourself and your family.

It seems to me that a lot of the problem we all have is that we can't quite believe that these people behave so badly. So we think we're imagining it, or that it's our fault and spend our time trying to correct ourselves. And yes the fear of the rages which taps back into the terror of small children whose world is suddenly and capriciously rocked on its foundations when its centre erupts inexplicably.

I don't know about all of you, but my mother also used to lie a lot. I would say "Oh you said ... whatever" and she would completely deny it. Well when you're small, it doesn't really occur to you that mummy lies, but I knew what I knew, so I suppose I got to accept that there could be 2 realities! (Quite useful as I am a sort of Buddhist and so find it very easy to believe that the world is an illusion!!) She loved to "get one over" on people, and would make up things and delight in their gullibility when they believed her. I remember she told me that a friend of hers who never married had been involved with a married man years ago. A while later, having forgotten she'd told me that, she chortled that she had told the woman's sister in law this tale and she'd fallen for it. How did that make me feel!

I have also realized that my mother kept me away from the rest of the family. She thought my father's family weren't quite good enough and refused to go to any of their family parties. My dad used to see his brothers and sister on his own once a year. She used to wax lyrical about her own family, but hardly ever saw them and certainly never lifted a finger to help any of them. I think I was kept away because she was frightened I might spill the beans about her. I only say that because I did finally get back in touch with a cousin on my fathers side and went to a family party. I told my mother they asked after her and had fond memories of her (from the times very early on when she lived with her in-laws) and she seemed to relax a bit about me seeing them. See how I colluded with her to show her in a good light! That was only 5 years ago. I have to admit I have told a couple of them the truth and they said that my dad's sister had suspected he wasn't very happy. But they haven't a clue as to the extent of what went on.

It is difficult to forgive my mother when she doesn't think she ever did anything wrong. I have tried to confront her a few times but she totally denies any example I might bring up and says she "has nothing to reproach herself with". I once said (having read an article about voicing your feelings) " I feel unloved.. or something like that" and she immediately said "all right - all right - I feel unloved" Absolutely not interested in me! So it just leaves me with it all and nowhere to go.

Anyway, this site is so helpful as I said before. I have been discussing it with some friends with similar mothers (all my friends seem to have ghastly mothers!!) and the fact that you can put a name to it, and see from other people's stories, similar behaviours and traits puts it into perspective more. It takes away that horrible feeling that it is all your fault. All of you thank you!

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

01 Sep 2008 12:37 PM

Beth, thank you for all the articles and your answer. I think something is beginning to change in me - the feeling of not being alone and that it is an illness with symptoms is very helpful. What has been so difficult has been that belief, fostered by her from childhood that all her anger was because I didn't come up to scratch and even as an adult, I have always been checking myself to see whether I have been selfish or thoughtless or whatever she's accused me of. Of course feeling as I do towards her, I have thought, oh yes she's right, I am at fault, therefore she is justified in her reaction. But I am beginning to realize that I have the right not to love her and not to stultify my own life by giving in to her manipulation. Making boundaries is not going to be easy after so long, but I will try!

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

29 Aug 2008 03:30 PM

This has been so useful for me. I am 57 and only in the last few years have I realized that I am not the bad person I always assumed I was. My mother (now 83) lost her own mother when she was not quite 2 and I think that like many small children she thought it was her fault. No one (7 children and father lost in grief) ever talked about the mother. I think she internalised feelings that she must be a terrible person and then projected them onto me. I am an only child and have had a lifetime of all the things the others have described. Criticism, towering rages over imagined offences or slights, everything that ever went wrong was my fault, jealousy, manipulation, you name it. She made my and my father's lives utterly miserable, and yet to the outside world she was so charming. She praised us both to the skies to other people, but when the door was shut, we were subject to torrents of abuse. We never discussed it. If only my father had ever said that I wasn't responsible for her, that it wasn't normal, it would have helped so much, but he would scuttle off to his club and leave me to cope with whatever mood she happened to be in. I remember saying to him when I was about 14 that I must be a reincarnation of her mother as I felt so responsible for her. Instead of telling me not to be so ridiculous and it wasn't my job to be responsible he just said yes perhaps you are. My problem is that he died 4 years ago, and I am all she has left. I felt really sorry for her and wanted to support her until she got her life back on track and so have been visiting her every fortnight for 4 years - a round trip of 100 miles. She won't think of leaving the house and moving closer because it is "full of such happy memories" (ha ha). Her circle of acquaintances (she doesn't do friends) is practically non existent, and she "can't be bothered" to make any sort of life for herself. She is quite nice to me now, but implies that I should be doing more - " a daughter's duty" - notwithstanding the fact that the only time I ever asked her for anything i.e. to help me with my baby when I was ill, she point blank refused, had a tantrum because I had even thought of such a thing, and sulked for a week. So I am very resentful that I feel I have to keep going. I want to reduce it to once a month, but is that wrong? I'm 57 and I still feel that awful sense of obligation and responsibility to someone who thinks I'm a cardboard cut out solely there for her convenience. Because of my upbringing, I have no sense of boundaries and I feel guilty for trying to justify not doing more for her. I suppose although I have no love for her, I feel sorry for her because she's old and depressed and has no life. But the resentment is eating me up.