Kelevra74's comments

Speaking Ill of the Dead - Blog Entry

02 Jul 2007 01:27 PM

As previously stated, the selfish ones are in fact the ones that are pointing the fingers at the suicide victims. People who attempt a suicide may just be doing it for attention, but those with the sole purpose of ending their own lives are in deep pain and as life goes on, the pain becomes unbearable. I've had thoughts of suicide and still do, especially now that I'm in this depression involving anything in the future that might happen to me. In my defense, I'll briefly address one of the causes for my thoughts on taking my own life. I'm 19 years old and all my life, I've been extremely close to my parents. While my brother and sisters were giving them a hard time, I was the one who obeyed them and never wanted to upset them. I would always hang out with my friends but never spent the night due to a stomach wrenching homesickness. I grew out of the inability to stay over night anywhere without them, but the closeness between me and my parents grew, especially after my brother got into the wrong crowd and started with drugs, which happened with one of my sisters as well. I was the one who remained clean and stayed in school and was often told that I was going to be the successful one of them family. Now with that being said, since I am now 19, its time for me to decide what I want to do with my life, which is where I'm burning my bridge as I'm attempting to cross it. My mind continues to think about what will happen in the future and the only way my mind can now portray me is miserable, even if I picture myself in a house of my own with a wife and kids and steady job. The thought of leaving my parents brings me close to tears as well as thinking ahead to when they will inevitably die. This is where the suicide thoughts come into play. In an attempt to ease this pain that I feel of constantly being in this depressed state, I contemplate suicide and just ending it all. What stops me is the love I have for my parents, friends, and anyone thats close to me. Would me carrying out my thoughts be considered as selfish? I don't think so. I'm not seeking attention, only a way to escape this pain. As I said, what stops me is the love I have for the people that are close to me and not wanting them to feel sad or responsible for me being gone.