LakeMedium's comments

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

24 Jan 2009 02:45 PM

Thank you, Beth. You are correct on all accounts. I do pity my husband's mother to some extent. I don't want to take my kids out of her life for either parties sake. I believe as they get older they will figure her out. She has blackend my name in the family because I haven't been to visit her in some time, though she is welcome to visit us in our home whenever she wants. She lives to states away. I have had so many hurtful and depressing holidays with my husband's family I just can't spend another one with them especially his mother. If she had no one else to spend Christmas with or Thanksgiving with I would invite her here but this is not the case. She is much more bold and hostile on her own turf.

If the other family members buy what she is selling so-to-speak I don't care, frankly. I don't have any real relationships with any of them despite spending alot of time visiting her and them in the early years of our marriage. I only require that they treat me respectfully in my own home. They are also welcome here and I host an annual get-together football weekend where all 4 of my half-brothers stay with our family. I encourage my husband to visit her and his family alone. He usually does not wish to do this.

I may visit her in the future in her home with my husband and the kids but I would stay for no more than 2 days and would try to stay out of the house and stay busy rather than sit around just waiting for something negative to happen. I realize she doesn't think that she has done anything wrong and that I am a bad person because I don't acknowledge her superiority. It will never change. Thanks again and to all others dealing with a similar situation please stay strong.

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

21 Jan 2009 02:46 PM

Hi, I would like to assure others dealing with narcissists that they are universarily difficult and stressful to deal with. I am a clinical social worker in a post-graduate training program for psychoanalysis. The narcissist in our lives is my husband's mother. She is the most self-absorbed and mean-spirited person that I have ever dealt with on a personal basis. I have always know that I am not who she wanted her son to marry.

She has insulted every aspect of me including my parents and family. She has taken strange photos in my house and sent them to my parents i.e. pictures of our kids as babies and toddlers crying, a photo of my dtr.'s messy room after she was done playing dress up. She labeled this photo: "Anna trashes her room". My mother told me she throws such photos directly in the trash. She has told me I wasn't a "good mother to the kids" and "didn't change their diapers enough". She is very envious of my mother and sees her as a rival for the affection of the kids.

My husband is her only child, he has 4 half-brothers. She plays favorites among her step-granparents in a most overt and hurtful way. Her favorites are the "family losers" because they need her and they make her feel great and important. She pits family members against each other and spreads gossip. I have been bullied by one of these half-brothers in my own home. I confronted him and his wife on this matter and they admitted that either of them of no real relationship with her and that they have been very hurt by putting up with her over several decades. These are very smart people, its hard to understand why they would do her bidding. I see them as being victims of abuse who are identifying with the aggressor.

There is an inheritance involved and I believe that this is why family members are silent and let her have her own way. My husband's now deceased father never challenged her on anything and this plays a part as well. While my husband is in denial that others put up with her because of the inheritance he sees that she has serious problems. He has described as if she doesn't have a conscience. She certainly doesn't have a normal level of empathy for others feelings of rights.

I have writen letters to her about her behavior in the past. This only seems to anger her and make her more hostile towards me, her rival anyway. My husband has spoken to her. I have refused to visit her in her home for 3 years now but she is welcome in our home to visit my husband and our 2 kids. They are very young and are fond of her. Shes stays 3 days and visits 4-5xs per year. I try to keep my distance when she is here. My husband visits her without me and has gone once with our oldest child.

She complains that I don't bring the kids to see her and that I am keeping my husband from visiting his family. All of them are welcome here. These boundries are difficult but necessary.