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This topic contains 29 replies, has 18 voices, and was last updated by Dwayneb123 2 years, 3 months ago.
April 10, 2006 at 7:35 pm #74577
I found out about 3 weeks ago that my father has been molesting my daughter. She came out and told my 12 year old stepdaughter after being asked if her grandfather(my dad) does things to her. She suspected it and so did my mother in law for along time because my daughter was always red down there. Geez..now that i think of it she has been red down there for about three years now. So my daughter came out and told my step daughter about bad things that my dad has been doing to her. Anything sexual you can imagine he has been doing. I called the police the same day and they inreviewed her and got all the details which they can not tell me until its decided if we go to trial. If we go to trial I will not know til after so that way it does not affect my testimony. I am just sick and have been since I found out. They arrested my father and the next day he posted a 50000 bond per the newspaper article detailing everything. This is a small town and everyone know who my father is and who I am. Social Services in involved and my daughter and I will start counseling soon. When does this pain ever go away?April 10, 2006 at 8:09 pm #207999
i am gob smacked and feel for you all deeply .didnt she ever show you signs like not wanting to see your dad how old is she.his he still with your mother what does she say about it. im sorry i prop sound like the police questioning you but im just gob smackedApril 10, 2006 at 8:15 pm #208000
She never said she didn’t want to go over there. She is 6 now. Thank you for your response. This one is really hard and don’t feel bad at all if you don’t know what to say. I would’t either. It’s my step mom and she is standing by his side. The day after I called the police I went over and talked with my stepmom(she didn’t know I had called the police) I asked her if she ever left my dad alone with my daughter and she said yes but she was always in the other room. Yeah in the front of the house. He would keep my daughter up real late at night even after my stepmom went to bed. My stepmom who is 71 said to not say anything. Bull! This is sick **** and he is going to pay. Sorry for the swearing but this one sucks.April 10, 2006 at 8:26 pm #208002
I am so sorry. You did the right thing to contact the police and social services. I am so sorry you guys are going through this.April 10, 2006 at 9:19 pm #208008
i can not write down what i want to say . other wise i will get banned . my daughter is 7 and im sorry but i would do time for my daughter if any one did that to her i would kill them. and alot of other people would feel the sameApril 10, 2006 at 9:34 pm #208009
[quote=shazbo]i can not write down what i want to say . other wise i will get banned . my daughter is 7 and im sorry but i would do time for my daughter if any one did that to her i would kill them. and alot of other people would feel the same[/quote]
Except that it wouldn’t be “for” your daughter, it would be “for” gratifying your rage. You would be abandoning your daughter.
Sorry to have to state the unpopular but obvious fact that murder is not a solution to molestation.April 10, 2006 at 10:40 pm #208020
[quote=guiltformylittleangel]. She suspected it and so did my mother in law for along time because my daughter was always red down there. Geez..now that i think of it she has been red down there for about three years now. [/quote]
I’m so sorry for your pain. I would like to ask why the redness was not looked into prior. If I had ever noticed redness (which I don’t know that I would have without my dd first telling me it hurt or was irritated there), I would have marched down to the doctor to see what’s going on! But to let it go on for 3 years seems strange to me. Why when your mil and step-dd suspected the abuse was it not looked into.
Shazbo, I can relate to what you’re saying. Maybe I wouldn’t kill the guy but I sure would want him gone!April 10, 2006 at 11:41 pm #208028
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Did you ever have any warning about your dad doing things like this when you were young? Sometimes hindsight is 20/20 – we don’t understand the signals from before until something like this brings it into clear focus.
Your stepmom sounds like she is dealing with her own issues – sometimes women who are married to child molesters think that if they can quiet it all down they can get it to stop. But for now, it is best that you and your daughter concentrate on you and on what you need to do to heal.
As far as redness goes, I have seen in daycare little girls who are sensitive, and sometimes soaps and bubble baths will trigger redness and irritation, so it is not always an indicator of abuse. I hope you have contacted your pediatrician – they can usually tell the difference.April 11, 2006 at 2:42 am #208031
Yeah… redness can signal many different things. My daughters have sensititve skin and sometimes have redness and I know they are not being molested. So, don’t blame yourself for not recognizing that as a sign. Don’t beat yourself up over it now. You called the police, you are there for her, you cut the creep out of her life, you got her counseling… you are doing what you should be doing. Believe it or not, not all mothers do what you are doing. Some mothers call their daughters liars. Some mothers keep the abuser in the house. Some mothers never get help for their kids. I know this from experience. You, on the other hand, are a loving mother. You are doing everything in your power to help her. Just love her, hold her, listen to her, and make her feel safe again.April 11, 2006 at 6:44 am #208033
[quote=shazbo]i can not write down what i want to say . other wise i will get banned . my daughter is 7 and im sorry but i would do time for my daughter if any one did that to her i would kill them. and alot of other people would feel the same[/quote] sorry its just a fiqure of speech anger its what i would feel like but prison is no goodApril 11, 2006 at 12:15 pm #208035
I always thought the redness was from her not wiping right. Cause it started when she was potty training. If I would have suspected anything I would have done something about it. It’s hard to hear that your father has been doing this and its hard to believe and I am still shocked three weeks later but I still believe her. Everyone says they would kill the guy but you don’t know until your in the situation.April 11, 2006 at 2:39 pm #208050
I can’t imagine finding out it’s your father doing this to your own dd. (((hugs))). Thanks for explaining the redness issue. I was hoping you wouldn’t take my question as a sign of blame–just curiosity.April 11, 2006 at 3:03 pm #208053
I feel very bad for you and your daughter. I really don’t know if the pain will ever go away. I am 30 years old, and was molested by my step-father when I was 5-7. That has been 23 years, and I still suffer from all of this. I told my mother when I was 14, and she is still with him, 16 years later. I love my mother, but I resent her at the same time. I feel sorry for her, also, because he is a very controlling man, and has her convinced that she can’t do any better than him, which is so untrue. My mother is a very beautiful woman, and could do so much better, but I guess when you’ve heard that you can’t for 27 years, then you believe it. I am so glad that you took a stand for your daughter….that in itself will help her deal with the pain….trust me, I know. I feel like if my mother had taken a stand for me, that I wouldn’t be in as much pain as I have all of these years. The counseling will help, also. I went to counseling a few years ago, and things had gotten better, but I have been having memories come back to me in my dreams. Memories that I had supressed for all of these years. Make sure that your daughter stays in counseling. It may take years for her to understand all of this. She is very young, and she will probably feel like this is a way to show someone that you love them….she can get over all of that through the counseling. The same thing happened to my cousin, and she went to counseling. The counselor told her mother that she could end up not wanting to have anything to do with men, be promiscuous, or live a normal life. Thank goodness that she has lived a normal life…she has been married to the same man for 8 years, and they have 3 beautiful children together.April 11, 2006 at 3:27 pm #208054
I’m so sorry for you and your daughter. Redness can mean a lot of things, so I can see why you didn’t suspect abuse. My youngest gets red very easily down there. When she was in diapers, she’d get red if she sat for 5 minutes in a wet or dirty diaper. Now that she’s trained, I’m working on getting her to clean herself well, since she is so sensitive.
I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand women who stay with child molesters. I couldn’t stand the sight of any man after that. Mothers who don’t defend their daughters really sicken me. Since you are standing up for your daughter and getting her the help she so desperately needs, her healing may be faster and more complete than a daughter of a negligent mother. God bless you both!April 12, 2006 at 3:47 am #208081
You asked how long it takes for the pain to go away … I am 41 and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse when I was 7-9 years old. Through years of self exploration, therapy and education, I have been blessed with considerable insight on this issue — Enough to know that the pain never fully goes away. It becomes part of you. It influences the survivor’s self image in ways she may not even realize, and can impact her relationships (intimately speaking) well into adulthood. That being said, there are a couple of things you need to bear in mind. First and foremost, the fault lies with the abuser and the conscious choices he made, not with you and not with your daughter. Don’t beat yourself up for not “seeing” what many would think ‘obvious’, because sexual addicts/abusers and predators are genius when it comes to hiding their pursuits. And since sexual abuse is more about CONTROL than pleasure, you may have simply been the easiest target because you loved and trusted. Secondly, your seeking help NOW is going to help your daughter most … in defining her own sexual identity, in understanding what she will look for in future relationships, and in understanding why she needs what she seeks. In the past, sexual abuse was hushed and silenced and hidden, which did the victims the most injustice of all because it invalidated their position and devalued their feelings. How many grew up out of touch with who they were, unable to define themselves, because they had been swept under the rug of silence? Add to that your sense of absolute betrayal and loss, and I cannot emphasize enough the importance of continuing in therapy for both you and your daughter. Sexual abuse can be so devestating, but I still contend that how it is handled FOLLOWING the abuse is just as important as stopping the abuse. There is life after abuse :nods: Best of luck to you both!
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