Narcissistic daughter

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This topic contains 35 replies, has 27 voices, and was last updated by  taya47 2 years, 5 months ago.

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  • #189064

    doctorsmom

    I found this website because of my search for information on narcissistic personality disorder. What I have read on the site deals with people who are dealing with a narcissistic parent or spouse….but does anyone have any experience dealing with an adult child? I have been having relationship issues with my daughter for the past six years. She was having some infertility issues at the time…so I blammed it on that…and she displayed a lot of jealousy when her younger brother and wife had a child before she did. But she now has four beautiful healthy children….and if anything our relationship has gotten worse. My daughter is a physician and the way she has treated her brother and his wife is appalling. It has just been so hard for me to believe that she could do and say the things that she has said. I have confronted her on some of the things she has done…and I know she has lied to me. She finally did admit to some lying….but only because she got caught…not that she felt any kind of remorse. She is my only daughter and I admit to spoiling her when she was young. But she was a wonderful child. She gave me no trouble. She studied hard, was involved in lots of school activities and had her share of work to do at home. I am just floored on how to handle her. She treats me with such disrespect. She belittles me and has accused me of favoritism. That is almost laughable because she received much more attention than my sons. She is very competitive and she seemed to change the most when my son and his wife were expecting. But like I said she has not gotten any better…only worse. Does anyone have any advice?

    #1011342

    DK615617

    wow, I don’t have any advice. I just hope that someone on here will. It sounds like you really love her, and I hope that you are able to fix your relationship with her. Did her brother do something to hurt her feelings, that she hasn’t been able to get past??
    Good luck to you.

    #1011601

    doctorsmom

    No…the only thing her brother did was have a child before her. My son has confided to me though that he has been receiving belittling remarks from her …since he was in high school. They both graduated at the top of their class./both high school and college. My son always looked to his sister as a role model. Evidently my daughter looked at him as someone who was competing with her. That is not true. My son is a very humble person and never brags or talks about himself. After doing lots of research and talking to other family members I have finally figured out that she has narcissistic personality disorder. All the symptoms fit her. I have also read that if confronted….she will never see herself as having this disorder. And she is a doctor….so she should know. At least that is the way she would see it. I don’t know how to react to her. I am thinking of just staying away (although that is hard….since she has four beautiful children) but I am thinking that if she really has this disorder…it will surface with others…and she won’t be able to blame me. Any advice anyone?

    #1011778

    QueenAngie

    Welcome to the board!

    No advise from me. Hoping another friend will be able to help in your search for medical information about your daughter’s condition.

    Wishing you all the best!

    #1014715

    rick31797

    deleted

    #1018001

    BewilderedinMo

    I too have a narcissistic daughter. I have been searching for help in dealing with her. She once went for 2 years without speaking to me in spite of me attempting to communicate with her. I texted and emailed and snail mailed and tried to call but she refused to respond. It happened after she graduated from high school and I refused to buy her a new car for graduation. Which coincided with her dad’s death.
    At 6 months she turned blue and curled up in a ball and I thought she was having a seizure. I rushed her to the ER. Her pediatrician came in and told us that she was having a temper tantrum. I reinforced that she was only 6 months old. And he said that the tantrums would get worse and as she grew to make sure she was away from the furniture so she didn’t hurt herself. She would throw herself to the floor, ground or wherever and turn blue and pass out. It was a very scary thing to witness but something I tried to ignore-as much as I could. I mean, if she didn’t get her way you had to expect that she was going to do her thing.
    I really shouldn’t be surprised that this is happening at all. Given her history, I should have known this behavior wasn’t normal. My son told me recently that my daughter is pregnant. She is unmarried too. She hasn’t talked with me. Having another tantrum because my husband an I refused to pay her water bill.
    I am hoping that things will get better. Is there anyone out there who can shed some light on this situation? Will I have a relationship with my grandchild? Will my daughter ever be any better? Any answers.
    BewilderedinMo

    #1018042

    Momof2kids

    Well, I will try and help Doctorsmom first, if you can’t get thru to your daughter, how about her husband? Have to tried to confide in him? Maybe he could shed some light on the situation, even if it is not you and something he sees with her and other relationships. As someone stated already, don’t share your feelings with the kids….it is not their problem and you don’t want to bring them into it. Also, if you have to pull away, keep in contact with the kids–maybe cards, little tokens, pictures you can send and then spend quality time with them…..Good Luck

    #1018152

    BewilderedinMo

    :rolf: Hi there. I asked for advise yesterday. Well, my daughter wrote to me but hasn’t told me she is pregnant yet. Ironically she had started medical school but decided that being a doctor was not something she could do. She is in the medical field but not a doctor but acts as though she is special or should receive special treatment-always. She got mad because I didn’t want to put a very large (11×14) picture of her on my very small wall. It just looked too weird. I offered to let her have it back because it just didn’t look right on my walls. She is beautiful. But she knows it. Her facebook page has 400+ pictures of her with friends. It is so unbelieveable.
    Trying to understand it.
    BewilderedinMo

    #1018266

    browneyes01

    I think you should ignore her and stay away from her for awhile and let her display her diorder to other people and have them confront her since when you do it ends up as though you are against her. My sister was diagnosed with BI-polar and manic depression and her and my mother cannot get along if someone paid them too. And my mother is so supportive of her but it’s just the dosorder that causes them to act this way. don’t take it personel.

    #1044477

    GCCHIGGS

    For all the people lamenting about an adult child who might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder-NPD/ Borderline Personality Disorder-BPD, I urge all of you to seek professional guidance. BPD/NPD is a serious diagnosis which can cause tremndous upheavals within a family. The first thing you must face and accept is that these people WILL NOT CHANGE! Their disorder prevents them from doing so! You must give yourself more distance from them and “Save Yourself”. She won’t do anything unless she feels it will be good for her! She is the center of her universe! You all just occupy her orbits! She feels superior! You are beneath her. She will act out when reality clashes with her idealized perception of her world. She is a casualty! Try perceiving her as a person with a deteriating disease such as Alzheimers Disease or Tourette’s Syndrome. You can’t stop it, you can only try to manage it. The first thing you must accept is the finality that they will continue to be this way the rest of their lives! That said, you must then set limits on what is acceptable behavior when relating to you and what isn’t and then maintaining those boundaries. Basically, these people are arrested in the developemental stages of childhood. They want what they want, when they want it. They feel entitled! They feel imperious and above all guidelines of social standards. They believe they should never hear the word, “No”. However, you must take care when talking to them. There are various triggers which will provoke their abherrant behavior. Seek professional guidance in learning how to deal with these types of people.

    #1044480

    QueenAngie

    Welcome to the board, GCCHIGGS! Very well written!
    Thank you for sharing!

    #1044804

    eeveedee

    My advice to people dealing with very difficult family members is to understand them. When you understand their behaviors, if not the reasons but at least the patterns, you can often predict their reactions and know a bit more about what you are dealing with. Perhaps they blame you for some of their problems, things stemming from childhood and such. Perhaps they are right, none of us are perfect and raising a self-professed “spoiled child” will certainly lead to an entitled adult! However, short of seeking mental health professionals to help, try to figure them out. You know these people well and can likely predict their reactions and behaviors in many situations. It is a question of how badly you want the relationship and how much you are willing to tolerate. Just behave accordingly. It can get very exasperating when you always have to be the one to adjust your own behaviors because you have the greater awareness, but it can also dramatically reduce arguments and blow ups. My daughter’s father is bipolar and very hard to get along with (frequent blow ups, always feeling attacked, very irrational, etc.) and over time I became very good at predicting his reactions. I would sit through phone calls biting my tongue, gently redirecting conversations to positive terrain and always thinking “Why do I have to be the one to be civil and rational all the time??”. Well, let me tell you, it worked! About 85% of the time ;) But that realization has changed our interactions for the better. My mom is like this too, I have to watch my tongue or she feels I’m ‘against’ her. Often these people’s negative reactions are very predictable and the more rational individual can act accordingly. Of course you can always just scrap the relationship and not put up with it!! But above all, try not to let yourself get mired down in negative feelings about yourself. If you think you do hold some responsiblity in the other person’s negative behaviors, come clean about it and agree you can both move on. But even then, don’t stay stuck in feelings of guilt and responsiblity. We are all responsible for ourselves as adults! They for their happiness and you for yours! Good luck!

    #1044808

    keleeemo

    Hi,
    I have a narcisstic daughter who is now in her 20′s. I wish I had good news for you but as others have said you may want to distance yourself from her. I have not spoken to my daughter in 5 years. She wanted me to buy her a new car and I could not afford it. My ex could not either so she turned us into DCYS.
    She seemed normal until age 4 but then she became very bossy at school and at home. She is very intelligent and was opening up AOL accounts with my credit card at 5 and talking her friends out to lunch with it. Everything important to her is money and well, her. Parents, her brother and her friends mean nothing to her.
    She did so many mean things before I gave up custody. My ex eventually gave up custody to his Mom and she gave up and just let her live with friends. She wouldn’t take no for an answer. It was her way or the highway.
    I honestly am afraid of her and hope she stays out of my life. Something changed in her and she is changed into a totally self centered, money hungry person. At least she got a scholarship to college and has a good job. My son says the same thing that she is not trustworthy or cares about us so we should move on.
    From what I have read there is no cure for NPD so I am accepting it and moving on. Good Luck!

    #1044917

    galen12

    I can so relate to mothers with naracissistic daughters. My oldest, now in her mid forties, and I were very close when she was growing up. When she was 15 all of that changed. At the time, I felt she was going through a normal teen rebellion, and I was positive that she would be back one day. I was dead wrong. After graduation from high school, she moved with her boyfriend to his hometown. While they dated and/or were engaged during an eight-year period, she “adopted” her mother-in-law as a mother substitute, something I realized only in retrospect. She used to telephone me and say planned hurtful things, such as, “When I get married and have a baby, I hope it doesn’t take after you.” When she was 30 years old, she estranged herself and her two daughters, and we stayed estranged for seven years. One day she telephoned to make up, claiming that the reason for the estrangement was merely her immaturity. The real reason she wanted to make up turned out to be so she could continue punishing me with her quaterly emails about all that I was missing out on. She, her husband and the inlaws were staying in a beach house together or on a cruise, or enjoying Martha-Stewart-like holiday get togethers, occasions from which I was excluded. “Too bad you’re not here, but you’ve brought this on yourself,” seemed to be her incessant message. When I asked her what was wrong, she never could say.
    Her younger sister is a sociopath, who uses people for what she can get out of them. When someone, even a fiance, can be replaced with someone better or is no longer needed or wanted for whatever reason, she throws the person away, with no remorse. I am one of those people. I was at the time of my son’s death. Before she married, she needed me to provide laundry facilities, shelter, meals, money, and automobiles. After she married, when she and I still lived in the same city, she needed constant babysitting, so I was “in.” Once she and her husband moved to another state, she realized, “Hey, I don’t need this turkey anymore.” Neither she nor her older sister have spoken to me since their brother’s death more than three years ago. Not only did they gang up and scream that I was the cause of his death, but they never once called or emailed to see how I was coping during the aftermath of his death.
    For many years, I blamed myself. How on earth could I have two unbelievably cruel daughters like these? It had to be something I did very wrong. After a lot of reading on the subject and talking to people who are also members of dysfunctional families and being counseled, I have come to believe that narcissists and sociopaths are products of genetics. I am not saying that I was a perfect parent, but who is? I see people everyday who were no greater a parent than I was enjoying their adult children’s respect, affection, and company.
    These afflicted people, such as my daughters, cannot change, nor will they ever. There is no medication or therapy that can teach them normal emotions and feelings. They lack compassion, are selfish, unempathetic, and the pain they mete out is unfathomnable. In my opinion, they are in no way worth the agony. When my mother died, at a time that there were no estrangements, neither daughter attended the funeral. The younger one dodged my calls and did not answer an urgent email, as she didn’t want her grandmother’s death and funeral to interfere with her attending her friend’s mother’s funeral which occurred on the same day and was something she considered to be a social occasion because her friends would be there. On the other hand, when her cat died, I was number one on her call list.
    I have only recently chosen to quit blaming and beating up on myself, to quit feeling embarrassed and like a failure in life. I have at last begun to pick up the smashed pieces of my life and move on alone, planning to never see my daughters or their children again. Some things are hard to accept, but accept them we must. Many mothers desire to maintain contact because of the grandchildren. The fact is the grandchildren’s minds will be so poisoned by their mothers that the contact will be as useless as is contact with their mothers.
    I feel for everyone of you who has to endure this horror. It is not at all what we expected would happen; hoever, we can all be bigger. It takes great courage to leave behind what is lost. I wish all of you the best.

    #1044941

    EllenCabot

    It really is not possible to give advice on such a concern online. There are far too many variables to consider and too little information. We have no idea how severe the behavior is, all we have is your perception of things. Actually… what we have is our own perception of your perception of the behavior of someone we don’t know. Things get muddled along the way.

    I think you should talk to her about seeing someone about your relationship… not about “her problem”. Tell her that you want a good relationship with her and your family and you are worried that you don’t communicate well with each Other. Maybe if she is approached in that way she won’t take it so personally and you will have the opportunity to bring up your concerns with a professional without offending her or doing more damage to the relationship.

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