onceuponamuslim's comments

Non-Muslim Woman: Should You Marry a Muslim Man?

29 May 2008 03:40 PM

I once was married to a muslim man and converted to Islam. That has now changed.

I have to warn woman from our country as what would be the biggest obsticles you will encounter once you are married. Keep in mind that the Qua'ran puts women second to the husband's mother. It is a cultural misinterpretation (at least in what we define it in america) of what is says that "Respect your mother" which was the response the Prophet gave when asked by a man what he should always regard first in his life. He asked the Prophet again, and the reply was "Respect your mother", and he asked the Prophet again "Respect your mother", and he asked him again "Respect your wife". So the mother counts three times more than the wife.

I say it is a culture misinterpretation because Respect is not the same as Obedience or Accepting what his mother says or do as she says. Now, the Bible says that you should put your wife and children first. That is not the case in Islam.

This is very important for any woman that wishes to marry a muslim man and she has been raised without Islam. The mother will always come first as to decisions, finances, children, property in your home, and etc. Everything in her son's home (even if you and him both purchased it together) belongs to the mother. She can claim to it and her son has to respect and do that. If she wants her son to come home or leave his wife, he must respect and do that. If she does not like the way you are raising your children, he must respect and do that. Consulting the mother for almost everything is very common. Be prepared to have your mother-in-law as the third person in your marriage.

So your family (which what you would consider is your husband, your children, and yourself) is not your family, but rather her family to control. Especially with boys, they are taught at an early age to obey their mother (which they consider is respect) because the Qua'ran states that they will be punished and that the Prophet stated it as so and that is God's will.

So if you plan to marry a muslim man, keep in mind that if you are raised Christian or are an independetn woman, you will not have the life you dream of, nor the family you thought you would have. As men get older, yes, they turn to religion, and that religion then states that "Mommy Dearest" is in Control. Since the same thing was done to her with her husband, expect that the tradition of controlling her male children will continue.

You must be willing to tell yourself and accept for the rest of your marriage that your husband will second guess you, will do as his mother says, no matter what you and he had agreed too. It is not your marriage, you are not his partner as far as decisions and ownership of things in your home. You are in a sense a second class citizen whose purpose it go be submissive (which means you are to listen and not be heard). If your husband requires that you cook, clean, take care of the children (which he will), while he goes out with his friends and socializes, it is your duty to not complain. Even if you work as much as he does, your duties are that and you should not complain. If you complain, then you are a bad wife. If you ask for help in the domestic aspect of your home, he will let you know that is not his duty.

You are not in the marriage to be happy, but to fulfill a role. That role is to serve the husband, serve the house, and serve the children. Consider yourself a worker in your home. He owns you (whether you work or not) and your duties are as instructed.

This is the primary reason arrange marriages or quick marriages happen in Islam. The understanding is pretty straight forward. You each have roles and fulfilling the roles are first. Any romance and affection in the marriage is very minimal as public affection is seen as cultural embarrasement. Separating the women from the men at the mosque is traditional. Expect that this will happen with friends of the same faith. He will try to seclude you from your other friends and family members of differents faiths. Having friendships and families of different faiths is looked upon as negative. They interpret this as bad influences.

Your personal sense of needs are last whether you are wanting to go out on a romantic date to spice up the marriage, go on a weekend trip, seeing your friends, or seeing your family. Expect that the gifts and romance he provides for you before the marriage will go away as soon as you are married. They consider that once you are married, that is not a necessity. They have you now and that is that.

They are also very much into conserving money and giving it to the mosque. Do not expect to much luxury as they consider that a waste of money and can bring you bad fortune because it will cause the "evil eye". So if you are used to shopping at retail prices, your husband will probably control the money and forbid that you continue that life style.

I am saying that Islam is wrong or marrying a muslim man is wrong. Keep in mind that they are brought up with a very different concept of woman and the roles they fill. If you are hoping to change your spouse once you are married, that will not happen.

Would I marry another muslim? No. I still love him, but there are certain things that really piss me off. First and most, I want a husband to put his wife and children first. Second, I believe that domestic duties should be shared. I still believe that you are much more than a role in a marriage...you are a partner...a life companion. As such, I expect to be treated as so. I will not get that married to a Muslim. In Christianity and can expect as such.

Good Luck