Peppersss's comments

How to Ask for More Sex from Your Husband

23 Feb 2009 01:37 PM

I need to clarify something. In the second to last paragraph of my last post I said, "but I never really been able to satisfy her needs from this perspective". In this statement I am referring to her needs to have me be more a part of the team, not her sexual needs. When we had a sex life, the sex itself was admittedly quite good from both parties :).

How to Ask for More Sex from Your Husband

23 Feb 2009 01:31 PM

JhShigley-

I think we are in very much the same boat, man. We have been married for 22 years, I still love my wife and am very attracted to her. But she won't give me the time of day in bed, and I have all but stopped any advances because she was just "doing me a favor" each time, and that is not a turn on at all. I might as well just masterbate.

I feel the same about my commitment and the kids are doing well at 17 and 15. However, I am looking into the future and I KNOW I don't want to go without physical intimacy the rest of my life! This is such a conundrum, I am at a loss as to what to do. We are in couneling to work on it, and she says that she has lost the desire because she doesn't feel like I am part of the team. I have looked at this closely, and while I am very much a equal participant in chores, cooking etc., I am not so great at remembering the schedule of what is happening when and whith whom, such as an appointment for one of the kids etc. So I am doing everything I can to change my awareness level and making sure that I am staying connected with what is happening on the family schedule, making sure that I do the little things she likes (like pointing the shower head back down after my shower so that ....well you know how these things go), and generally keeping my head in the home-game, not just the work game.

Of course non of this will be effective if I am just doing this for her so that she will "like" me again. It would build resentment and I probably would not succeed at fulfilling her if I don't own this change I am trying to make in myself. If I really want to be with her, I will have to change myself because we all know that you can't change the other person.

We actually have been working on this for a very long time (although we were still having sex up until about a year ago), but I never really been able to satisfy her needs from this perspective. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps she is protecting herself and avoiding vulnerability (r.e., intimacy) by remaining unsatisfied, and that is why what I do is never good enough. Another problem is that I am hesitant to take any initiative with things because she usually has a criticism as to how I went about it and/or redirects me to do another task first because I am not prioritizing things the way she would.

As you can probably tell, there are a lot of issues potentially involved here, and I think I need to sit down and do some more writing. This little exercise alone has got me thinking quite a bit, and I am sorry if it sounds a little disjointed. Either way, I am not happy and I don't want to live the rest of my life that way.

Thanks for listening.