RescuedbyWolves's comments

Denying the Father's Role when Mother is a Narcissist - Blog Entry

09 Jun 2009 09:50 AM

I am continually amazed at these blogs. It is like Beth knew me personally. My father usually ignored my mother's abuse, until my mother turned on him for, "Making me out to the bad guy!" She would then verbally abuse him to the point where he snapped, flew into a rage and physically abused me or my sister. Later she would look to us for sympathy about my father's temper, and try to portray him as the bad guy. Oddly enough though, I almost welcomed getting smacked in the face as it was a more concrete gesture and could be easily identified as wrong. It helped me identify that what was going on was abuse. For years my Dad was the "good guy" in my head, until I was able to see that he should have been protecting us far more than he did. She packed her bags to leave him on more than one occasion and he always took her back, even when I begged him to leave her. He said he couldn't because he loved her. Now I see their relationship as codependent and sad.

I have my own family now and am able to see my parents on my terms only, but they are still playing their little games with each other. My father helped me out on Saturday for most of the day and we just had a very nice time together - he is wonderful with his granddaughters. Now my mother has been calling me daily, which she never does, and I can tell she is trying to even the score and make sure that I know he has done something bad lately and/or that she is better than he is. She has no interest in being with me or my children until he does, then she has to come and prove that she is the better grandparent. God help me, I so wish she was a smoker or something. I get depressed thinking about how long she is going to continue to live.

When Your Child's Grandparent is a Narcissist - Blog Entry

07 Jun 2009 07:57 PM

Thank you for your advice, Beth. Yes, it is all verbal abuse, which is what mostly was for me and my sister growing up. The only difference though is that my father although weak about standing up against my mother at least let me know he loved me and my sister. I get concerned because my BIL does not seem to have that warm side to him and instead heaps more abuse on my nephew. I will do my best to be a kind influence in my nephew's life. I do set firm boundaries with my mother, and never leave her alone with my children for more than 30mins tops, and always when I am in the same house.

I have a second question - I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease 6yrs ago and have noticed it always gets worse when stress increases in my life. I first developed symptoms as a teenager when the abuse was at its highest point. I am curious if you have anecdotal evidence of intense stress like one experiences in an abusive household causing autoimmune diseases. I ask because you have mentioned that you do quite a lot of work with NPD "survivors". Thanks again!

When Your Child's Grandparent is a Narcissist - Blog Entry

07 Jun 2009 01:40 PM

Hello Beth,

I have been reading all of your excellent blogs on NPD and found them and the comments to be incredibly helpful and supportive. I have an NPD mother, grandmother and sister, and have been in and out of therapy my entire life trying to recover from the emotional abuse of my childhood. I am a new mother myself now, with two girls ages 2 and 8mos, and am discovering that old feelings I thought I had dealt with are coming up with alarming regularity now that my oldest daughter is in more social situations. I am the oldest child and the family scapegoat; I was always told that I had to set a good example, and that anything my sister did that was bad was my fault. Consequently I am realizing how often I feel the need to take ownership of situations I have no business being involved in whenever I see a child being threatened or harmed. I recognize now that I should not interfere with my friend's children, but I am having a harder time knowing where the line is with my sister's child. He is also 2 and is clearly exhibiting signs of emotional abuse. His father yells at him non-stop, and both of his parents leave him with my mother for days at a time so they can go on mini-vacations. I usually see him at the end of these vacations as my mother has about 12hrs of waking babysitting time in her before she brings him to my house and the poor child looks terrified and haunted. I do not know if I am over-identifying with my nephew. I do not know what if anything I should say to my sister to get her to stop abusing him. She understands that my mother has NPD but thinks that she is normal. When I suggested to her that she leave my nephew with her MIL instead she blew up at me. Anger is a frequent response with her, probably because she learned early on that I was the cause of our family's problems.

How much should I expose my children to my mother? How much should I do to protect my nephew and any future siblings he may have?