31 Jul 2008 04:09 AM

My Post & Beth's reply in Topic The Ageing Narcissistic Parent (1)

rosem1111 (35) 29 Jul 2008 05:36 PM

I have had difficulties all my life and still am not sure what is because of me or outside actions impacting on me. It has been a case of now you see it, now you don't, but I am a survivor after a fashion and have kept trying to cope. Some times are worse than others. I am in one such time now though not just because of my elderly narcissistic mother (but is she?: now I see it, now I don't). My husband and two sisters in particular seem to be narcissistic and I suspect one of my daughters is. So there are a range of problems I need to cope with, some quite serious as whether I should divorce my husband (for significant reasons).

Currently my mother is back in hospital. It doesn't seem that there is a serious problem. She just sat on the side of her bed two days ago and announced (she "announces" things) that she couldn't move.

This is how my visit to her last night went: She talked in a loud voice at us, her visitors - note the "at", but that's typical - she always talks at people. I think her voice was extra loud as there were these other patients in the room and she is a drama queen, I'd say, never so happy as when she is the center of attention.

She talked about how x rays showed her knees weren't broken (why should they be?) and talked of how she expects to be in hospital for quite a while. She touched on maybe not going home. She started talking about how a pair of angels on her sideboard are for two of my girls and started to cry. Can't say I felt sympathetic. I felt guilty afterwards after we left, though it was such a ....well, you know, another drama; a con. She stopped when I asked if she was planning on dying. Actually she looks pretty good. She starts physiotherapy tomorrow. I said "Good" :) . She won't need it for her tongue. I think she is enjoying it where she is. And she has a good view of the nurses' station. Should keep her amused and up to tricks.

There was an incident when one woman had trouble getting back into her high bed. She got stuck sitting on the edge and looked as if she might slip off. She called out to the woman in the next bed for assistance and I heard and realised something was wrong. I asked mother to shush indicating there was this problem going on, but mother just kept talking and talking, launching forth more about whatever crossed her mind - it was not intereactive in the slightest. I asked her to shush again, saying there was a problem. I had to butt into mothers talking to do this and she did not like this and kept talking. I butted in again and my mother snapped that the two women were just talking. It was obvious they were not and I said so. Mother started repeatedly bellowing at the woman to push her call button but it was obvious she was needing both hands to stop falling off the bed. My (narcissistic also?) told mother off (as she is wont to) and said her loud voice was embarassing "people". It wasn't embarassing me; I just wanted the focus to go where it should be. But mother's loudness is hard to take, as is her constant talking. It makes me more queasy than embarassed. I find it stressful. And it detracts from trying to deal with something.

Everyone else realised there was a problem and my sister told her daughter to get a nurse. I would have if I wasn't hemmed in. Then the nurse came and struggled to get the poor woman into bed. It was awful as she has little strength though she really struggled and the bed was so high and sloping. She almost rolled off the bed head over heels. I got a good look at her legs right up to her knickers. The poor woman was 90 years old ! That would have been some fall.

Mother resumed her monologue. I decided I had had enough and made my exit with a quiet assent from husband, simply saying civilly that I had to go.

A relevant word may be narcissistic. A word that will be used is dementia. I don't know how those poor women in her room can possibly stand her. They are frail but not senile. I certainly find her just too much. And I am currently feeling very burdened.

Beth McHugh (11285) Yesterday at 03:57 PM

Hi again, Rosem, as narcissists age, so the narcissism increases. These scenarios you describe do sound like typical narcissistic tendencies, and whether she has full-blown NPD or not, she certainly sounds like an emotionally manipulative person. So feelings of guilt, anger, rage and sadness will likely be familiar to you. I wouldn't worry too much about the ladies in the room with her, but you would certainly benefit from learning to set healthy boundaries with your mother in order for you to have peace. Contact me if you need to. Best wishes, Beth

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