roughjourney's comments

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

17 Sep 2008 11:45 AM

A lot of this is good stuff -It's good to learn - it's so helpful to have a forum like this to share with others who've suffered the same pain & anxieties. My journey has been about 4 years. Before this, I would have described my relationship with my mother as close - quite close. The most intense pain was about the beginning of '05 when, after 6 mos. or so, I felt the full brunt of her double standards. My older brother's love life had for the first time, been inter-twined into mine and my mother and father's. My only brother is several yr's older than me, and he's pretty much a malignant narcissist. His personal life is a joke. His past relationship and the drama it carried with it, spilled out in front of me, and both my parents. After being taught to "call a spade a spade" and "always speak the truth", I expected my mother to deal honestly with what was unfolding. That did not happen. In fact she entered into the game. There's always been a double standard for my brother & I and she's always responded to my charges of double-standards as "jealousy" on my part.

I've been in regular counseling for about a year now - and for periodic episodes, prior to that. I began to detach from my whole family about 3.5 years ago. Sadly, that included my father, although he & I weren't at odds, he was quite enmeshed in the dysfunctional unit. Prior to this last Christmas, I had not spoken or seen my mother in 4 mos. I saw her, and my narc brother and my dear father for few hours. His previous (and curiously, absent) girlfriend / x-wife was the cause & catalyst for my eyes being opened to NPD. To say she was a train-wreck of an individual is an under-statement. We lost my father very soon after that day. So I was thrust back into the relationship with my narc mother that I had been working to detach from. I asked God for the grace to deal with her, trying my best to be tender and understanding in the wake of my father's passing. They were together over 50 years. I made it about 5 mos. and then her narc traits seemed to re-surface and now, after several mos. of tension and having her at my house for 3 days for storm evac, I have begun another round of detachment. Unfortunately, I still harbor an un-healthy fear of my narc brother. Only with the help of my counselor and my husband was I brave enough to send off a note to him recently to take charge and get my mother some "help", trying to keep the focus on her grieving (or lack of). I requested that he not contact me, stating that that would only complicate matters. Naturally, he disrespected my wishes and e-mailed me back anyway. I don't read them - they collect in a "blocked" box on my PC and I will let counselor read them at his discretion. So, really, I would easily like to completely detach from her with possibly only slight contact every other month or so. Even then I would like to have someone with me, or limit it to about 15 min's on the phone. I feel completely drained by her, judged by her. Interaction with her only results in my anxiety levels spiking and tensions building in my own relationship. I've worked hard to look within myself and look at this situation and my favorite phrase has become "I didn't create it and I can't control or change it" My specific question to you, Beth would be about NC (no contact) and how to realistically live that out in light of an elderly parent when you're the only daughter. Thanks -

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

17 Sep 2008 10:57 AM

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