rowenap's comments

Why it can be hard to lose a parent you dislike (2) - Blog Entry

06 Jan 2009 04:58 PM

Beth- part of me is going through the loss of a relationship with the death of my mother this morning ( also posted in the 'losing a parent' section.). I have lamented for many years now the loss of a 'productive' relationship with my mother. In recent years, I have come to understand that my mother's complex and troubled childhood contributed to her parenting approaches as an adult. She was giving but self-centred, a controlling parent who never really treated me as an adult. The minute I could leave home at 18, I did and I never returned though I have always kept in contact with my mother. I tried over the years to mend bridges, rebuild them no matter how fragile and so has my mother- but it never fully mended the cracks of the previous years. So at times relationships were strained. She has always loved me dearly and also my kids but she never stopped judging me and telling me how to live my life. I never stopped telling her how much I resented that and yes, I did blame her for what I felt was a hellish teenage phase- e.g. she never let me bring a single friend home, never had a single Christmas or birthday present, partly because we just could not afford it. I have built a family life which is the complete opposite for my kids- full of warmth, love, fun and care. I grieve today for what could have been. I also grieve because she did her best and in the only way she knew- I could not appreciate that till recently as a mature adult. So much wasted time..so many wasted years and now it is all too late...time to let go and move on- well theoretically but as your article suggests- this is easier said than done. I will look back with great sadness and wonder how it could have been different if I had tried harder.

The experience of losing a parent - Blog Entry

06 Jan 2009 04:46 PM

I lost my mother this morning. I am an only child and live about 350 miles away from my mother. She was diagnosed with secondary cancer which affected her lungs. She had gallbladder and liver cancer 4 years ago and after two major ops, thought the cancer was all sorted. However, it had travelled and in October 2008 she was told she was in the final stages and it was just palliative care. My mother was fiercely independent and wanted to stay in her own home till she died. She would not go into a hospice and as a result spent the last few weeks in considerable discomfort and pain. Finally on Sunday Jan 4th evening she asked to go to the hospice. She lapsed into a deep sleep the moment she got there. I was making arrangements to travel south to see her, hold her hand, read, speak with her ...whatever. This morning I got up and felt I need to call the hospice and I did. She was still alive when I called but a few minutes into the call, the nurse told me she had gone. It was very very surreal- though I was not there in person, I was there in spirit. I just could not speak on the phone. So why did I register tonight on this site and to reply- I don't really know other than to say when I read the various postings and Beth's really sensitive response...I thought I would just type my thoughts. I am an only child and though I have a really supportive and loving family of my own around me...I feel it is just me thinking about my mother. We did not have a fantastic relationship- but my mother sacrificed a lot of her life for me. My parents divorced in difficult circumstances when I was 4. I never knew my father till I found him via the internet 4 years ago- after 40 years of not being in touch (I am 48). My mother never knew I found my mother- it would have broken her heart to know I had been in touch with my dad- I think she would have seen it as a betrayal of her.

I wish I had made it on time to say a physical goodbye to her. I last spoke with her two days ago. I had booked flights to take my kids(18 and 21) to say goodbye to her but it was all too late- we have the tickets but no grandmother to say goodbye to.

Do you think it would have made a difference for me to have been there in person to say goodbye? Will this guilt affect me for a long while to come? I am having to go to my mother's in two days to begin registering the death, deal with funeral arrangements and see the solicitor. Thank goodness my daughter is coming with me- it is a 6/7 hour drive in wintry conditions- not looking forward to it.

The finality is something that I have played through my mind over and over throughout today. I am really sad that with having lived quite far away, we have not been able to have much time together over the years. She gave up so much for me...I am so sorry that I did not have the time to really say thank you and to ask sorry for the arguments and times I hurt her in the past..

Then the pragmatic part of me takes over and I concentrate on the good things we have had together...

Anyway, thanks for the space to let me feelings out.