SecondDaughter's comments

Narcissism-Symptoms and Treatment (1)

03 Jun 2008 12:42 PM

I am a 52 year old woman. I learned a few years ago through a therapist that our family had NPD issues. It helped me and my sisters to identify what made our upbringing so painful. And why we feel isolated as adults.

One of our mother's favorite credos is "I couldn't find any interesting and intelligent people out there so I made some of my own." How revealing is that? It has never been about us. It has been about her. As my sister says, "We followed a script. We were the hired help. Our job was to say and do those things that would make her happy, and to never speak the truth."

I am going back into therapy soon. My mom is now very old and needs me to help her because she cannot see. It's hard for me to be around her. The complex stifling of the truth is bad for me. But knowing things about NPD helped me move beyond confusion toward forgiveness of her. Just the same, I still need a lot of help with what happened - and may need it for the rest of my life.

I was talking with my sister last night about how our mother never celebrated â€Å"us”. There was no joy of celebration over who we were. So much happiness was missing. I do not know what it is like to have a mother who enjoys you. She didn't laugh with us unless what we said was a witty, clever and worthy a amusement. Her laughter was the golden coin of acceptance. Not burdening her with our needs was mandatory. This created toxic competition for her love. I think she secretly enjoyed the struggle to obtain it. Despite that we grew out of it and dearly love and appreciate each other as adults.

How she operated was amazing. She used approval to force us into validating her ideas, her theories of life, and just her in general. Her insistence we be exactly what she thought we should be was overwhelming. But we didn’t understand it until recently. She was very destructive. The females were deemed a threat. We were denied personal power, more than the males. I was flattened out and made to never rise above her - the queen bee. I was ever ready to grovel or pay the price and in a state of continual fear before her. I was to never require anything more of her than she wanted to give. I was to live out the script and never rock the boat by speaking the truth or talking about my feelings. That was a big job for little kids. It's a big job for adults. I also had a father and brother with NPD. That is another story, but it was pretty difficult for us all.

I will be going into therapy again. My daughter and I had a lot of hurts between us, but we have come a long way since I went into therapy the first time. She does not want me to grovel and apologize for approval from other people. It hurts her. Nobody can play that role that my mother did. People do not want to.

My daughter wants me to be strong, happy and confident. It took great strength and intelligence for her to get past the problems handed to us from my mother. She is willing to go through the healing process with me. She tries to stay around people who are strong and of good character. People who are honest and tell the truth. I am trying to throw off the continual feelings my mother gave me. It's so hard. But I can't go back now. I can only go forward. So, if any of this sounds familiar to you don’t feel alone. It’s real, but it can be addressed with good therapy.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member

03 Jun 2008 07:53 AM

This is for Struggling Son. Sorry to hear about this. I can see that you were offered a continuous series of unobtainable rewards. I was instantly bothered when I read your note. Mostly because nobody has the right to say you should take a cut in pay because you have a pension. That is so cruel. You earned that money and she has no right to tap into it. She should be celebrating your accomplishments that allow you to have the pension, not conniving how she can tap into it. I am glad you see through her twisted logic. I hope you will soon transition into a workplace with honesty and integrity where you will be rewarded for your work.