self_diagnosed_male_36's comments

Adults with Asperger's Disorder - Blog Entry

09 Mar 2008 12:16 PM

Hi Beth

I'm just coming to a self diagnosis of Asperger's. I'm 36, in a 7 year relationship (my partner doesn't know but has always accepted that I'm 'a bit mad')

Reading through all the online information was a revalation. It outlined everything I've experienced/suffered and was like reading a story about my childhood/adolecence. Most of my coping stratergies are self developed, and work pretty well. I have an active social life, although I wouldn't say I enjoy this, it's essential to maintain the few frendships I've made which I do value.

I would like to know if there are any advantages to getting a clinical diagnosis. It seems like a lot of work/stress for no reward.

my 'typical' symptons are.

1) I never know what to say, and in social interactions (which I crave while I avoid) I feel like an outsider/observer who doesn't understand the rules. I can't tell if a conversation has ended, and often get stressed as I have no idea what to talk about. My main coping stratergy for this is to stay in one place and let people, come and leave as they wish. I also keep the alphabet in my head and run through topics (a.b.c...) which stops me talking one topic to death (Usually computer programming, building). Much of my conversation is factual, but I also make a list in my head of various topics like what other people have done, how they/thier families/jobs/pets are. I don't get anything from these conversations but other people need them and it makes me feel /look more 'normal', it all feels like a game and a bit dishonest to fake it like this but it works for me.

2) In noisy enviromments I lip read as even though I can hear what someone is saying and repeat it back verbatum it just doesn't 'go in'. It also lets me avoid looking people in the eye which I find uncomfortable, and stops me 'glaring' at people which I've been accused of many times. People now assume I'm a bit deaf which also get's me out of using the phone, which I hate, and gives me an excuse to get people to repeat things or a reason if I confuse the meaning of what I've been told.

3) I analyse peoples body language and try to mirror it, or interprate it based on various articles/books I've read. This is the hardest as it does take concentration, and while I don't think it will ever become second nature, it does get easier with time. I also actively think about smiling, nodding and making the appropriate umms & ahhs.

4) I often find myself in overload, where I just want everything to stop for a few minutes so I can reset myself. This is the hardest thing to to explain to people as it's a bit like teaching someone to sneeze. So I simply tell people I have a migraine/bad headache and lay in the dark for a while. (My ideal holiday would be for everyone to dissapear for a week or two, but I haven't found any holiday companies offering this service :) )

I have many more strategies for dealing with any problems that arise. I enjoy my job which is very detail/logic based, and my relationship is great, I have no trouble giving/receiving physical affection from my partner. (although I avoid it at all costs in social situations as it just feels wrong!).

The only problem I have is that I constantly feel as though I am 'faking it' and looking in at the world through glass. I try to be the person people want me to be in most interactions as I don't really know who I am when it comes to that world. I guess I need to know is it acceptable to spend my life pretending to be someone, when I sometimes feel that I'm not anyone. (Not in a depressed way, just when grading myself against normal people, who seem to have all these responses/behaviours that I don't)