SpiritWarrior's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

30 Aug 2007 10:10 AM

Ms McHugh, Your insight into this disorder is very comforting. I only just sought out grievance concilling ( i'm 31 ) because my mother is dying and I was having a tremendous time trying to deal with the fact that time is running short and I feel like I have to face 31 years of pain my mother caused me for when she dies. I realize that is not possible..now..! But in the first and only session - my councillor diagnosed my mother with NPD and now it all makes sense. I have been through absolute hell with her and back again but I have learned to keep her at a seriously long arm's length and only tell her what I don't mind being thrown back in my face at any given time she pleases. I have quit smoking after 12 years, lost 50lbs (and now plateauing) and in a warm, loving and long-term relationship with an amazing and nurturing man.

I have changed my life around and broken her spell over me years back but she still continues to plague me because now she is sick with cancer and still able to walk and speak - she still does damage. I try to explain to others that when she goes - I will be relieved that she is finally gone and out of my life for good. I know that is a hard thing for some to believe or hear but they don't know what I have been through. I am starting to grasp that I will never have the acknowledgement or apology of the abuse that went on only today. I haven't seen her in weeks and I don't really want to - in fear that she will still hurt me with words. All I feel is that when she is finally gone - she will no longer have that power in my life (power a child gives to a parent) to hurt me or to break my heart ever again. That way...I can think about the very few good things about her and let the bad stuff lay to rest. I know the horror of how to live in pain, guilt, sorrow, depression, fear, anxiety, anger, rage, frustration and I don't want any of it anymore - but still... I don't know what to say to her in her final days. I thought of trying to say to her that wether or not she knows it that she broke my heart many times in life and that I broke her heart and I am sorry for it. The hard thing is... I have this anxiety that it won't go over well and I battle with guilt from the obligation of being the daughter for not visiting her enough or wanting to see her at all.

Bloody morals. :-)