Tagged: asked, completely, Disagree, Discipline, disciplined, ex-husband, experienced, frustrated, give, guidelines, husband, important, offer, Parents, recently, son, step, step-father, step-parent, suggestions, year
This topic contains 33 replies, has 27 voices, and was last updated by abrahamalegre 4 years ago.
July 11, 2005 at 9:38 pm #72735
My ex-husband recently asked that our 12 year old son not be disciplined by his step-father (my husband). I completely disagree and think it is important for both parents whether step or not to be able to give guidelines and be able to discipline our son. I’m of course frustrated and want to know if anyone has experienced the same and if you could offer some suggestions.July 12, 2005 at 5:57 am #199731
Are there specific, valid reasons why this request has been made?July 12, 2005 at 4:01 pm #199751
My ex-husband thinks that the discipline should only come from me and that he should just be friends with my husband. My ex-husband has him for the first time in 11 years staying with him for the summer. I would agree that initially there is a transition period but I don’t think my husband should be completely eliminated from making him follow the rules and be able to discipline him.July 25, 2005 at 10:34 am #199909
As a step mum, I always prefer to leave the discipline up to the blood parents wherever possible. I have this luxury as they don’t live with us. However, if there is no other adult in the room or outside with us, or they have left the kids with me to babysit, then yes I do discipline them.July 26, 2005 at 8:31 am #199926
my partner has a 3 yr old son from a previous relationship and i have a 4 yr old daughter from a previous relationship we both have a 5 month old son together. we both discipline them the same even if we r in the room together my daughters father isnt around so to her my partner is her daddy so in my opinion he can discipline her as he would his own and i discipline his son the same although i am quiet soft on him still cuz i feel weird really disciplining him he is a very naughty child and because i feel i cant discipline him properly even though my partner has said its fine its causing problems in the familyJuly 26, 2005 at 11:42 am #199931
I’m a stepmom, too. My stepson is 12 now, he was 8 when my husband and I got married. He lives with us full time – his Mom left when he was 4 – he visits her in another state occassionally and she is very soft on him. So, it was very difficult for me, because I always felt like the bad guy. But, my husband is gone on business a lot, so I am the only one home. I agree that the blood parent should handle the discipline – or at least be in agreement with what you are doing when possible, but that’s not always realistic. Just try to be fair, and try to spend some alone time doing fun things with your stepchild. Over time, the relationship will grow, and then it will be easier. We’ve had some rough spots, but my stepson and I have come a long way in 4 years.October 7, 2005 at 9:58 pm #201633
It seems to me that when your child is in your house, his step dad is a parent and should discipline him in cooperation with you. Anyone who expects a step parent to never discipline is really wishing them a lot of trouble, because kids will exploit that any way they can!October 12, 2005 at 3:11 pm #201877
I’m a step-parent too and I’ve struggled with this issue too. I’ve been to my pastor regarding this issue and I’ve been told that I have to disclipline too. I know I’ve read books and heard people say that the step-parent should stay out of it. I’ve found that I need to disclipline even when it turns out ugly and may be easier to just stay out of it. When I say ugly I mean that when I do disclipline my 7 & 9 year old step-sons they go home and tell their mother I am mean, then she calls my husband and uses it to make him feel bad. She uses it against him and tells him that the boys don’t want to come to our house because of me. Then he feels really bad and then gets mad at me and we fight
It is a never ending battle . Anyway, Mcmama was correct, kids will not respect you if you do not disclipline. I’ve found in many ways that by not discliplining it was much worse. The boys would not listen to me because they didn’t think I was going to do anything about it. Now they don’t act up like that while in our home because they know their father and I are on the same page with it and won’t allow it. Step-parenting sure isn’t easy!October 12, 2005 at 7:09 pm #201890
Your last two sentences are the main thing! Not easy, and you and your husband have to be on the same page. This is your home. What are you, a guest in your own home when the stepchildren are there?
It’s true with any parenting relationship – I can remember trying to get around my parents, playing one against the other. Big revelation to me that they talked these things over and knew everything – and agreed!January 28, 2006 at 2:17 am #205748
[quote=mcmama]Anyone who expects a step parent to never discipline is really wishing them a lot of trouble, because kids will exploit that any way they can![/quote]
I agree. My husband’s parents divorced when he was 9 or so. His dad fortunately made the opposite clear – that he wanted the step dad to be viewed as someone who could discipline.
I think it is important that children have a good father figure in their lives. Since your husband can’t fulfill that role year-round, the step dad will need to step up. But you can make it clear that you set the disciplining rules, and the step dad is merely helping reinforce how you and your husband mutually agree to your children should be disciplined and raised. Ask your husband if there is anything very specific that he does not want the step father to do, but being completely hands of will cause more problems in the long run.January 31, 2006 at 2:14 am #205816
[quote=ACard]kids will not respect you if you do not disclipline. I’ve found in many ways that by not discliplining it was much worse. The boys would not listen to me because they didn’t think I was going to do anything about it. [/quote]
When I was in high school my mom and I lived with a man for a while who had a son 4 or five years my junior. This man never specifically said anything to us about his child’s discipline but I know he would get angry with my mom if she said anything to his kid. They broke up over it because the boy was so disrespectful and mean, to both me and my mother.
Not long after the breakup the boy went to jail for what became the first of many times. His father had guilt issues over divorcing the boy’s mother and wouldn’t discipline him. The state of Texas ended up trying to do it for him.January 31, 2006 at 4:43 am #205817
I think when parents choose to lovingly discipline it show the kids they care about them and what they are doing. The parents show they are trying to help them become better people and teach the kids how the world works.February 1, 2006 at 4:07 am #205846
Thanks for sharing your story. Step parenting is a tricky thing. I feel it can be a different experience for step mothers than for step fathers in some situations. I married a man in 1982 who was a widower with three children ages 6, 7, and 10. I was 22 years old. My husband was totally guilt ridden because of the loss of his wife and their loss of their mother. When he married me I took on the mother’s role in every aspect. My husband was grateful that I was willing to take the role. However, whenever it came to holding the children accountable for anything he refused to step up to the plate. This was left up to me. Dr. Phil says that the primary parent should really do the discipline. I agree with this, but what do you do when the primary parent doesn’t discipline and his children don’t respect you the step mother because you are holding higher standards and expectation for them? My years as a step mother were filled with extended family members hating me, spreading rumors about me, and tearing me down in front of my stepchildren. Their father was unable to reach out and be a responsible father to his children. Unfortunately I held my ground and did the disciplining and my step children love me for it and hate me for it at the same time. The extended family and my husband’s inaction set up a system where I was the scape goat and the target. It was difficult to feel such non acceptance and lack of family support, but I did keep my committment and love for my kids as their mother. I know when they are older they will reflect back and perhaps see things a little more clearly. For me when ever someone asks me if they should be a step parent…I tell them to run in the opposite direction as fast as they can. This situation can be fraught with heart ache and heart break and sometimes there are moments that are real gems. They happen more and more frequently now that my stepkids are in their early and mid 30s. The history is still there…and sometimes the hurt of that past can make me weepy for a whole day in the recalling of it. Step families are completely challenging.February 1, 2006 at 4:26 am #205849
[quote=DyannaL]When I was in high school my mom and I lived with a man for a while who had a son 4 or five years my junior. This man never specifically said anything to us about his child’s discipline but I know he would get angry with my mom if she said anything to his kid. They broke up over it because the boy was so disrespectful and mean, to both me and my mother.
Not long after the breakup the boy went to jail for what became the first of many times. His father had guilt issues over divorcing the boy’s mother and wouldn’t discipline him. The state of Texas ended up trying to do it for him.[/quote]
Wow, that sounds familiar! My husband has a lot of guilt issues too. It is getting better, he doesn’t tolerate as much as he used to. Especially now that he sees our 2 year old mimicking their actions.
My dad will tell you that at the Fed. prison he works at that many of the inmates wish their parents would have discliplined them.February 2, 2006 at 4:48 pm #205919
I am re-married, and have 3 children, and my husband has 1 child. My ex-husband and I are both in the agreement, that if the children step out of line then my husband or my ex-husband’s wife, should be able to discipline them, in whatever way they see fit, as long as they are not abusing the children. My step-son on the other hand….the only discipline that I will do with him, is make him sit out for a few minutes, and then tell his father that I had to make him sit out, and why. My husband’s ex-wife gives him a real hard time about everything, and has even kept him from seeing his son at times. I don’t want to be the reason that he would not be able to see his son. That’s why I am much easier on him then I am my own children. Step-parenting is very hard! I do believe, however, that your husband should be able to have some form of discipline, even if it’s putting the child on restriction for a few days, or make him sit out, for 10 minutes or so, because with no discipline, the child will feel like he can take advantage of your husband, and have absolutely no respect for him. You and your ex need to have a major talk about this!
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