TheWolfInsideHer's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

22 Jan 2009 12:23 PM

Hi again, Beth. I've been reading through these stories, and it's truly horrendous the damage these women can inflict on their children. But...so many strong survivors!

My NM is in hospital now after a stroke, and not expected to last the week. I've been to see her but really, as other family members have thankfully pointed out, there's nothing much I can do now (she's not going to regain consciousness, so there is not going to be any big deathbed 'reconciliation'...even if that were possible), so we're just sitting tight and waiting.

What's getting to me is what comes after. I'm anticipating how you cope with this kind of situation with rgeard to bereavement, when people have had a very different view of someone than the one you've had. I don't think I'm going to live up to the usual grieving daughter image, but in a way I've already done my mourning - not even for the loss of the person I once knew through ill health, but for the 'loss' of a relationship I never had. (And it wasn't a relationship. You can't call it a relationship when only one person's needs are ever being considered.)

I'd be interested to know if you have any advice for someone in this kind of awkward situation, Beth, or if anyone else here has experience to share?

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

18 Jan 2008 07:37 AM

Hello, Beth - interesting article. Unfortunately, this sort of behavior sounds all too familiar. I'm wondering if it's also common for an N mother to have a complete obsession with proper appearance, be constantly criticial of the tiniest flaw, expect a daughter to spend hours on her hair, face, clothes etc, tell her that 'not making the best of yourself' is the real reason she doesn't have friends or boyfriends - and yet, when the daughter does make up, choose clothes she likes wearing, or someone else compliments her on her appearance, the mother is angry and condemnatory? I'm guessing it's to do with competition, having another female in the house, but would be interested in your views as a professional. There has of course been lots of other stuff over the years. It seems Ns, if this one is typical, have completely inverted priorities - little superficial things are important to them, and grounds for rage or coldness if they're not perfect, whereas real important, deep stuff, like your feelings, the kind of person you really are or want to be, gets dismissed and ridden over roughshod. I've come to the conclusion - after several bouts of depression, the most recent a few years ago now - that perfectionism is a killer; the only person I have to be 'good enough' for is me. Nmother is in a NH now, and it's sometimes hard to explain to people why there is absolutely no way we could ever have her move in with us - it is difficult when people, and this includes many authors on the subject, think there 'should' be that sense of obligation to an elderly parent. Anyway, thanks for the article. It's helpful to know that there is an explanation for this kind of behavior.