Many of us didn’t start out as the most flexible people on earth—I know that by nature, I tend to like a fair amount of order and structure in my world. I have had to learn as a parent how to be true to those character traits, while being completely flexible and able to roll with the unexpected and the unplanned things that go down in a typical family. So, it might seem unreasonable to expect that those people we date, if they do not already have children, to be flexible and open to the unplanned and unexpected, but even if they aren’t pros at it, they should be able to make an attempt to adjust.
As parents, we love our kids and we’ve learned to adjust to all of the unexpected realities of family life. We know, for instance, that kids get sick on holidays or that you have to be prepared for that call from school just as you are getting ready to make your big presentation at work. If we are going to be socializing and dating, we really need people in our lives that can roll with that. They might not LOVE it, they might even get a bit aggravated and take some time to get used to it, but they do need to be able to adjust their expectations to match the realities of dating a single parent.
I once had a date set up with someone by a friend. We had chatted via e-mail a few times and had decided to meet. I made the appointment to meet for coffee after one of my son’s soccer games. At the soccer game, my son got hurt and we needed to focus on that. I didn’t completely forget about the date, but I obviously couldn’t make it. I didn’t have the cell phone number of the person I was meeting and by the time I got to where I could have called the book shop, it was an hour and a half later. I sent an apologetic and explanatory e-mail as soon as I got home. What I got back was a very terse “I assumed if you were unable to make the appointment, you would have telephoned the book store and had them page me.” The end. I knew immediately that this was not a person who understood the realities of dating a single mom. Of course, I would have been disappointed too and it was not an optimal situation—but I had to be a mom first regardless.
Had the person asked if my son was alright and suggested we try it again, I would have known that they at least had the potential for the flexibility and ability to “roll with it” that fits with family life. As we single parents know, things are more likely to go NOT according to plan, than they are to fit into a schedule or orderly, predictable way.
Also: “No Thank You” to Parenting Advice from a Date
What Does Spelling Have to Do with Dating?