It wasn’t all horrible from there, although it did get worse for awhile. Yes, I was very angry that my mother did not want contact with me. I was angry that she was trying to hide from giving me away. I was angry that she could turn her back a second time.
However, positive things happened too. Over the course of the year that followed, I got to know my brother really well through several weekly letters in the mail, and a few weekly phone calls. We probably ran phone bills up frequently by spending hours on the phone.
The best part of getting to know my brother Todd better, was getting more of a glimpse into my mother’s life. I was able to hear about her past, what his relationship with her was like, and what happened to split them all apart. It was not at all rosy, but it was good information to have.
My sister and I also got to know each other during this time. Probably not as well, as she was still really young and was having trouble adjusting to the idea of me, and what role I could play in her life. But we did talk occasionally and send letters back and forth. At fourteen she was still just a child, while I felt so much older and in a different place. It was hard to get to know her, even though I so badly wanted nothing more.
I made a decision during that year. I finally stopped conversing with my biological grandfather. The letters stopped and the phone calls stopped.
I had learned a lot about who he had been in the past and I was extremely uncomfortable maintaining any type of relationship with him. As angry as I was at my birth mother, I had found out that he had caused her a great deal of emotional and physical pain as a child. I was having trouble understanding and even comprehending it, and I really began to think that he was not someone I felt I needed in my life. So eventually that tapered off, and most likely for the better.
I did maintain contact with my uncle and his family for a while too, but again, eventually that began to taper off until the only people I was in contact with were my brother and sister.
And they didn’t have the best things to say about my biological mother to be very blunt and honest. They began to tell me horrible things about her, things that made my stomach hurt and my heart bleed. Instead of loving this woman, I began to seriously think that my choice to search had been a mistake. However, I had these siblings that I was getting closer to, and I cherished that.
It was also during that time I got to know my step father, Lloyd. He was my biological mother’s ex husband. Interestingly I feel he was placed in my life to give me a different perspective on my biological mother. Perhaps to restore the love and desire I had for her in my life. He did not have the horrible things to say about her that my siblings did. In fact, he put her on a pedestal. It was apparent that he was very much still in love with her. He painted a picture of this beautiful woman, whom was emotionally scarred from a lifetime of pain and misery. Even divorced, he thought her perfect and would tell me all sorts of wonderful things about who she was.
I guess I learned a valuable lesson during that time. I learned that there were two sides to every story. And that what some people saw in a person, wasn’t exactly what other’s saw.
Lloyd helped me get to know my mother, even when I couldn’t get to know her by myself. I let go of the anger I was holding, and began to wonder more and more about her again.
More of the Story Soon! Just watch my blog!