Sometimes it seems that the number one cause of rancor in a marriage is the division of household labor. The popular image of the husband going off to work every morning while the wife takes care of the house is pervasive, even in the 21st century when men are just as likely to prepare the evening meal as their wives are whether they have gone to work all day or not. When you cope with both spouses working, the division of household labor can become even more intensive. 9 times out of 10, if an overfull trash can gets on the wife’s nerves before it gets on the husband’s, she’s going to take the trash out. If the scattering of animal hair or debris on the carpet bugs the husband more than wife, he’s going to do the vacuuming.
Habits
Division of household labor will eventually become habitual. You don’t like dishes stacking up in the sink, you’ll do the dishes. He doesn’t like the smell of the laundry in the basket, he’ll do the laundry. You don’t like the way the yard works, you’ll be doing the yard. These habits can lead to resentment because one partner or the other is ‘always’ doing a chore. Once upon a time, that was the story in my household. My husband and I ended up having a very bad disagreement when I finally popped my cork. We’d lived together for over a year and it seemed like I did everything from the cooking to the shopping to the cleaning to the laundry.
I did it all.
I began to resent how much he took me for granted and how he never participated. His defense was that I never asked for his help. My counter argument was that I shouldn’t need to ask for his help. I shouldn’t also have to look for gratitude for what I did – he never said thank you, he never demonstrated appreciation – he just seemed to expect it.
Expressing Gratitude
Gratitude can go a long way towards equalizing fairness in your household and helping to mitigate resentment and more. For example:
- Don’t do the housework you don’t want to own, over and over and over again – if you don’t want to always be doing the dishes, mention to your spouse that you swap out – every other day – this keeps either one of you from doing the lion’s share of the work and if you end up having to ‘cover’ for your spouse for one night, it’s not as big a deal as it might be otherwise
- Don’t wait for your spouse to notice a problem, bring it up and be polite about it. Mention the laundry is beginning to stink and that if they’ll get it started, you’ll put it away or vice versa
- Notice what your partner does do, whether they tell you or not. If they did the dishes, say thank you. Never take it for granted that they did this or that you shouldn’t thank them because it’s ‘their’ task to do – everyone likes to be noticed and appreciated, why should you or your spouse be different?
- Don’t like how they did a job? You don’t have to. Maybe your spouse divides the laundry into 15 separate piles and you wash everything together – as long as clothes aren’t ruined or destroyed, be appreciative. If you have specialty items you want washed in specific fashion, set them aside from the general laundry to avoid misunderstanding
- Share the creation of a schedule together and stick to it – this can help habitual procrastinators or someone who doesn’t notice the work the way you do
How do you and your spouse balance household chores?
Related Articles:
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Is Your Spouse Your Competitor or Companion?
Housework – The Bane Of My Existance