As much as we’d like to think that we’re not, humans are basically self seeking. It’s promoted through the media all the time; take care of you, fight to get to the top, except no substitutes. Unfortunately, that barrage of self indulgence can work its way into our marriage, but it doesn’t have to.
With a little forethought and consideration, it’s easy to begin to put your spouse’s happiness first. This is not to be confused with codependency or being a doormat, this is about mutual consideration, and if you are both putting the happiness of the other person first the result is a relaxed and happy marriage with less arguing and more quality time together.
This concept can range from little instances (like agreeing to go see the movie that they chose) to big decisions such as where to go on vacation. Again, it sounds like constant giving in at first, but remember, the key is that both of you are working at putting the other person’s happiness first, ultimately making it easier to agree.
Beware of simply saying “I don’t know (or care) what do you want to do?” if you are doing that, it is not the point. It is called an impasse, and builds resentment. The reason for this is party in the difference that men and women communicate. If my husband says “I don’t care” I can blow that all the way up to he doesn’t care about anything, when he truly doesn’t have an opinion about where we eat dinner one way or the other! If a woman says “I don’t care,” the media has taught us that it means that she is submissive and co-dependant!
Maybe your partner doesn’t want to make the decisions all the time, or worse, maybe they insist on it. This won’t work for very long in a marriage due to the controlling nature of the situation. Insisting on having it all your way is controlling, and insisting on not being the one to make decisions is a passive aggressive way of collecting problems to use in the blame game later. ( If you “let” the other person make the decisions without putting in your ideas, then if it goes wrong you can say ”I told you so”, either directly or indirectly.)
So you both have to be genuinely committed to wanting to put the other person’s happiness first in order to make a marriage work. It’s a fair bet that you were both pretty good at it when you were dating, so it’s not an entirely foreign concept. The ultimate answer to the question? Practice putting your needs behind the needs of your spouse, and talk to each other. You can’t put them ahead of you if you don’t know what they want/need. Remember the days when you chose the restaurant before you even picked her up because you knew she liked seafood? Or how about the time you got tickets to the last game of the season for him even though you didn’t relish the idea of sitting on bleachers in the rain? Just remember how you treated each other when you were first dating and you will be reminded of how good a relationship can be when you spend more time thinking of each other than you do about yourself.