Resolving Conflict

The easiest answer to how to resolve conflict in your marriage is communication, but learning how to communicate effectively can be tough, so here are some tips on how to begin to do that.
First you need to figure out exactly what the conflict is. Poor communication skills, mistrust, insecurities, and lack of respect are among the common conflicts in a marriage. In marriages that have lasted for awhile, the conflict maybe something like lack of passion or boredom-maybe the feeling of being stuck. The first thing you need to agree on is that a conflict exists. If one of you is in denial, or accuses the other of over reacting or trying to “pick a fight where there is none,” than there is a lack of respect in the home-because whether you agree with your spouse or not, their perceptions of the situation are valid, despite how you feel about it.
A good exercise to get started on resolving conflict is for the two of you to sit down and write out all the aspects of your marriage which you enjoy. It’s always better to start out with the positive; it makes the negative seem less intense.
Then write out three areas you would improve if you could do anything to change the way the marriage is going. Write as much detail as possible, it will help to clarify ideas during the discussion. Try not to blame or provoke, it won’t help the situation and is childish. I find it very helpful to have these notes when we go into a discussion about conflict in our marriage, as I tend to forget the points I want to make after the discussion has started. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to articulate!
If your marriage has severe conflict you may want to seek out some type of mediator for your discussion. It could be a conflict resolution specialist, your clergyman, or even a mutual friend whom you both feel comfortable with.
If you’re catching the conflict early, you probably won’t need a mediator. If your communication has been fairly good during your marriage, you’ve most likely avoided letting the conflict escalate unchecked to the point where professional intervention is necessary, but if you have, be honest with each other about needing help. Ignoring the elephant in the room leads to resentment and distrust, two killers for today’s marriages.
Next, using your lists, discuss the situation by really listening to each other. Look into your spouses eyes as they speak, and pay attention to what they are saying. Practice drawing out as much detail and examples as possible, so that the two of you can get a clear picture of how each of you perceives the situation.
Become solution oriented. You can discuss the situation until the cows come home and not get anywhere, which is typically what happens without a concrete plan to resolve the conflicts that both of you are willing to try. Keep your focus on what the two of you can do to resolve the conflict, and if you can be open minded, the answers will come. Remember that above all, you love each other.