It occurred to me that the more genuine I am and the more honest, heartfelt and emotionally available I am when I talk with my children, the more likely we are to achieve constructive and meaningful communication. They can tell when I’m using my “active listening” skills or when I’m saying things that sound hollow or bookish–and not only do they not respond well, now they are likely to call me on it and accuse me of being fake!
I think our kids are more emotionally empathetic than we give them credit for–they can sense when we are really scared, concerned, disappointed, etc. and hearing us share our genuine feelings about things goes much farther than any Brady Bunch lecture ever could have. Remember how on the Brady Bunch the parents never seemed to get really frustrated or scared or worried? The kids always seemed perfectly willing to listen to reason and lectures.
I know that sometimes I get caught up in being the parent and forget that staying emotionally in tune, connected and speaking from my heart generally is much better received and responded to by my kids. I have to remind myself that even if I am in charge (barely!), I’m still a person and as my kids are aging, our relationship is gradually morphing too. My credibility with teenagers comes from my ability to be present , accessible, reliable, and above all, honest.
Plus, I think we are modeling a different kind of strength through truthfulness and vulnerability when we speak to our children from our genuine self. They see that we are not just offering platitudes or textbook discussions, but that we are involved and emotionally linked–we are living our lives with feeling and, above all, we are emotionally involved with our children. Of course, this doesn’t give us license to be emotionally manipulative (but then, that wouldn’t be honest and from the heart!).