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Narcissism-Symptoms and Treatment (1) - Blog Entry

20 Dec 2008 09:00 AM

it is difficult for me to explain the anguish my narcissistic mother has inflicted on her family.(narcissistic by proxy, dxd) i believe that she has been institutionalized about 2 times in her 76 yrs. but that is a subject that is not open for discussion to my 2 sisters and i. which has made it extremely difficult for us to understand what is wrong with this family. why we all have emotional problems and immune disorders....we had suspected that this was the case, but not confirmed until i started therapy about 4 mos ago. although all of us were abused in some manner, my father and i seemed to bear the brunt of her fury. she lies and knows she lies, but whatever it takes to get her way.. i am the youngest in birth order, i was the one she was not supposed to have(doctors orders)the one that was supposed to die before i was twelve because she took xray treatments for her acne while she was pregnant with me. i am the one she abused in assorted manners, some i'm too ashamed to admit. im the one she told that she wished had never been born, i'm a terrible mother(even though i raised three God fearing, law abiding, employed and community involved sons alone without any help from my parents or their dad). i know i am not perfect. being a doormat to my mom led into an abusive marriage and long standing severe depression and low self esteem. my mother is the most selfish, self-centered, self absorbed, self-interested person i have ever known. not until my mid twenties did i undertand that it was her that had the problem not me, as narcissist project their feelings on you....so i began to set boundaries. She blamed me for philandering husband,"what did you do to make him do that". nothing, but ki$$ his a$$ everyday.(think he possibly was npd, too) i was assaulted in my home in 2004 and after a lifetime of this, i sought help, because i wanted to commit suicide. i was good for nothing..last year i was hospitalized 2 times. have sat in a near catatonic state for about one and a half years. .....in june my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, so it became necessary for me to help drive my dad to his treatments 2 hrs away, even though, i had not been driving for sometime.(i have ptsd)my oldest sister has lupus and rhematoid arthritis, my middle sister had a brain aneurysm in 2000 and more recently been hospitalized for a spinal cord tumor as a result of surviving her brain injury. so she is completely out of the loop. now we have been taking care of our dad(my oldest sister and I) since this began.....we are overextended, but he is appreciative and lovable and it is easy to do it for him. but extremely difficult to see him suffer at her hands...he has suffered much more than he should have by being denied his medicine as "he can't take pain and never could" all my life, he has agreed to whatever she said in order to keep peace, even if it damaged one of their children. most recently, i say about 2 months ago, she contracted shingles, understandably a painful virus, but she was as always a non-compliant patient...so now(in her mind)this has become a life threatening ordeal. she is stressed because she doesnt have her whipping boy anymore and cannot make him wait on her hand and foot, even though he still tries. i believe that he has had a nervous breakdown and cannnot get out from under her dominion. ive asked him to come stay with me for a while, just till he gets on his feet, but what about mom...none of the children are willing to kill themselves for her...i do the best that i can, but she really doesnt want anyting from me, she considers me a rival with my dad (sick)she once called me the "other woman", when he was telling me a story about his childhood on the farm..the real deal now is that i feel like the progress ive made myself, im starting to lose. i feel myself slipping..from all the negativity and uncertainty. i cant sleep not even the four hours i used to get...i feel like something should be said to my mother, but i know i risk being ostracized and then that will put the pressure all on my sister. and i do not want to miss a minute that i can spend with my dad..but we cannot even talk when i am there, because it's all about her and her needs and how having the shingles was worse than having a baby. mind you i know they are painful, but this was a small spot on her forehead, not around her waist and she wants to compare that with what my dad has been through(i believe the stress that brought on the shingles is because she is so in love with herself and desirable by all men, that when she went to have 2 top front teeth pulled and replaced with perfect partial with no gap, she became so distraught, that it caused her breakdown in health)my dad shuffles little baby steps to fix her breakfast, when there is nothing wrong with her legs, arms, back or anything... she just is entitled to it. my dad's mind is turning to mush(like mine did), he cant sign his name anymore, he cant think anymore, he just wants to sleep, if he is awake and she is too, he is shaking all over uncontrolably. she denied him his ativan through the course of his cancer treatment while she had her xanax...i do not want to sacrifice my dad, by not saying anything...aps has already called me and i dont know what to do...i know this whole blog is gonna sound very choppy and disconnected and i apologize, i am normally more together than this..