Unafraid's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

06 Mar 2008 09:29 AM

Hi Beth, I had a question I wanted to ask. Many good things are happening in my family as far as each of us coming to understand that our Mother is a Narcissist. Now, my younger sister, who some how has been reading M. Scott Peck's book "People of the Lie", is also saying she realizes Mother is a Narcissist. We all read this book about twenty five years ago when a psychologist friend of my parents recommended it to them regarding my grandmother (my mother's mother). It explains much about NPD and the dynamic of the "evil couple" and how they operate as one. This is the case in my family now that my father has totally given up. He has had two knee surgeries and a broken back over the past few years and was totally dependent on our mother and I feel that is when he gave up on ever having a different opinion than hers or of being any kind of "voice of reason". Somehow my mother has also been reading this book again. It may be that she wants to convince everyone that I am evil. That sounds a lot like her. I can't verify why she and my sister are reading the book again, because this is the sister who is not speaking to me. I heard last night from my older sister that my younger sister had said something to my mother about my Mother's best friend possibly being a Narcissist and my Mother's response was, "Do you think I could be a Narcissist?" I just wanted to ask you if you think that a Narcissist can recognize themself for what they are? A few weeks after I left my husband, he did something to sabotage our oldest daughter, right before she went out on New Year's Eve. He told her that her shoes looked stupid and made comments about her clothes and appearance. Basically, he made her feel ugly right before she had to go to a party where her ex-boyfriend (a replica of her father) would be. After his comments, she drove thirty miles to a friend's house to borrow a pair of shoes (they were ridiculously high heeled and nothing like my daughter's normal style). Anyway, she ended up having a terrible night and wound up lost and rejected by this ex-boyfriend's behavior. She finally made her way to my new home safely. The next morning, I took the shoes she had worn the previous night and laid them on the kitchen table of my old home (where he is) with a note that said "these are the shoes your daughter wore last night" and told him that I knew what he was and that his purpose in life was to destroy and that being the case "why don't you just destroy yourself and leave the rest of us alone?". I then left my four inch thick folder of information on NPD with the note and shoes. The next day he was off of work and spent time reading the information. He told my daughter that he recognized a lot of himself in the information, but made the disclaimer that "he did not spend all of our money". I think that was one characteristic listed as a possible trait of a narcissist, excessive spending. I am just interested in whether these people can recognize themselves or if their denial mechanism is too strong to allow for this? My husband has always said that he felt there was something "not exactly right about him" but he didn't know what it was.

thanks

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

04 Mar 2008 09:45 AM

I just had a comment for Struggling Son. Don't beat yourself up for not recognizing what your step mother your step mother was and is. As Beth said, it is very hard to see things clearly when the pattern is idealizing and then devaluing. If you want to hear my story about my NPD mother and husband of 21 years, you can look at the dealing with a Narcissistic Mother blogs. It took me about 18 years to figure out my husband could not function differently no matter what I did (threats, encouragement, counsel, prayers, pleading, etc.). I tried it all and because I was raised by a Destructive Narcissistic Mother I was programed to be abused and didn't even understand I was being mistreated in a deep way. I knew it, but the part of me that wanted to be healthy and survive (these people will often kill their victims either by suicide, "accidents" or illness -read what Alice Miller says in some of her writings, that the body will speak even if the mind will not acknowledge the abuse). In my case I ended up with an agressive form of breast cancer. Thankfully it was caught very early and with surgery, chemo, and radiation I have been cancer free. There is no history of breast cancer in our family and I was only forty. Both of my sisters have had serious health problems, like immune problems, infection, migranes, hives and on and on. We were not physically abused, although my mother was also a slapper, pincher, clawer, as I have seen someone else say. My father never really spanked us, but he allowed my mother to pit us against each other, talk to one daughter about the other one. Actually, her was was to get two sisters against the one she was mad at and believe me not a day has passed that she has not been mad at one of us. My advice to you is to find a way to get your wife and child the @#$% away from this demonic, destructive force. When you told the story of getting the rake, I clutched my chest and felt pained. You do not need anyone to tell you what your body and spirit already know. As a survivor of denial, I can tell you that once that defense mechanism has been put away (it is no longer necessary or won't be once you get away), you will regret every minute you ever spent trying to make her see your side, your worth, your value. She cannot! I cannot tell you how many times my husband has said to me over the years, "Oh, you really have it bad. I really feel sorry for you." When I was able to say, "Yes, you are right I have had an awful time, but not anymore. "I have peace for the first time in my life." You deserve peace and you owe it to your wife and child. I pray you find it and believe me it will never be anywhere near her.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

28 Feb 2008 03:16 PM

I was looking back over a few of the comments, I re-read the blog from Achingforlove who wanted to know how to live within a family who still supports the destructive NPD parent and makes you feel that there is something wrong with you and that you are the problem. I have gone through this ever since I started standing up to my Mother. My sisters would tell me that she was old and how could I talk to her that way. The way I "talked to her" was to state the truth, for one that she was not a perfect mother and had made many mistakes and that she had no right to judge my parenting. I too was the rebellious child in my family, I always knew that the vicious way our Mother treated us and her rage and hatred were not normal. At first, everyone was upset with me and did not see. But, a new development has happened since I first wrote, my older sister is now looking for information on NPD and admitting that our mother is one. This is a big break through. She called me for the first time in days and discussed this with me yesterday. My other sister still has not spoken to me for months. I have given up on my father ever feeling safe enough to let his shield of denial slip. I understand, he has been verbally and emotionally abused for years. I remember, as a child, sitting at the top of the stairs, in the dark, watching my mother rail at him about one thing or another. All the while, he would sit with his head slumped down and make half hearted attempts to defend himself. This has continued to the point that he has become the perfect mirror and mouthpiece for any insane and abusive opinion or action my mother wants him to support. It is truly sickening to watch someone who was given the proper parenting and could have been such an amazing father be turned into a pawn. My advice is do not give up on the truth. Pray for changes and for health. Continue to read everything you can get your hands on. Also, I send my sisters emails that contain information and tell them they do not have to respond or agree, but I have an obligation to try to help them, after all they have been used beyond words. You have to accept that the NPD will never change or see their abuse. They never developed a core personality (this is my understanding) and therefore lack the ability to empathize or see anyone else as equal or as valuable as they are. Stop wasting time on them and work on the people who have souls left and the ability to interact with you on a human level. They are in denial and coming out of that will produce strong feelings, as I am sure you can attest to. In my case, I was filled with rage over my mother and then my husband. I finally came to the point of stopping caring about them in any way and focusing on my children, sisters, father and the other nieces and nephews. You know they turn on the second generation, just as they did their own children (this has already happened several times in our family). "Children of the Self Absorbed" is a great book and gives strategies to protect yourself and how to deal with family. In my job, I work with children and read the book today the "Three Little Pigs" to a little girl. As I was reading it, I had the realization that I am the pig who is building the house out of bricks and my sisters are choosing to take the "easy way" by building their houses (boundaries) out of straw and sticks. I will be prepared when the wolf knocks at the door and I will also have a pot boiling. Keep your cards close to you, plan your words wisely and tell the truth. I now tell my sisters every word my mother says to me about them (I started this before she stopped talking to me). They always seemed shocked that she would talk as badly about them as she does me, but I am not surprised at all. God bless you, don't ever give up or let fear stop your health and progress.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

26 Feb 2008 06:44 PM

I am so thankful, after searching endlessly for answers on Destructive NPD that I have found your site. Somehow, it is truly comforting to see that there are so many others who have endured a mother who has this condition. I happened to finally understand what I have been dealing with for years, but had no name for, after my sister was commited to a mental health facility after overdosing and then calling for help. Her husband of almost thirty years has been having an affair for at least two to three years. He even went so far as to take his girlfriend to a mutual friend's wedding as his date. He called to explain to me that all of this was my sister's fault. He said that she did not know how to manage the house or finances and basically, "What do you expect?" I had the pleasure of telling him exactly what I though of him and the excusing of his hideous behavior. I know that he thought that he would have a sympathetic person in me, because my sister had tried to ruin me with me family months before. At that time, my NPD mother had started a campaign against me saying that I was a bad mother and allowed one of my four children to mistreat another of them. I made the mistake (though I do not consider it one) of telling her that she was wrong and that she had always accused my younger sister (there are three girls in our family) and I of mistreating our older sister (the one whose husband had the affair) and that she was not right about that as she was not right about her opinion of the situation with my children. I think it is interesting that in my family this oldest daughter was the safe target for abuse, because she reminded my mother of my father's mother (whom she despised and thought was common -something a narcissist cannot abide). I chose to forgive my sister, realizing she was controlled by my mother. I also chose to support her against her husband and defend her to our mother when our mother also blamed her for the affair, was disgraced by her overdose and stay in the "mental hospital", and came home a month later and removed this sister from my father's and her will. My mother is from a fairly wealthy family and has an obsession with money. This is the second time they have cut this particular sister out of their will. When I would not talk with my mother about this sister, it would enrage her. Also, I forgot to add that when I told my mother that she was wrong in her percecption of me and my children, I suggested that we should have the type of relationship that we can say what we feel and discuss it like adults and come to some type of understanding. This left her curled up in a fetal position on her bed, crying uncontrollably and motioning for me to please "leave, go away". Also, at the time I had breast cancer, was bald and she had come under the guise of "helping me take care of the children". I could go on with story after story of her horrors, but my main question is "Is it common for children of NPD parents to marry another NPD person" The reason I was fortunate enough to find out about this disorder is because the psychologist my sister dealt with told her that it sounded like our mother suffered from NPD or Borderline P.D. and that each of her three daughters had married one. I believe this and have just left my Destructive NPD after twenty one years of marriage and constant abuse to me and my children. The difference with me and my father is that I never acted to my children like my husband was right in the way he acted and I always tried to help them and found a way to finally leave, even though he is very intimidating and has a gun by the bed, one in his car and one in his gym bag. I did a tremendous amount of research on just how to leave these people safely and so far it is going according to the plan. Even though my Mother knows about all of the abuse, she thinks I should have stayed and because of her manipulation, neither of my sisters is speaking to me, nor are she or my father. It is hard to feel isolated, but in many ways it is a clean feeling. I was wondering if these mothers give the silent treatment as one of their strongest weapons, because of their fear of aloneness and to them this would be the ultimate mistreatment. I have to add that my Mother was severely emotionally abused by her mother, who often would not speak to her for weeks on end. Also my mother was an only child, so I cannot imagine how horrible her life with this person was. But, I still hold her responsible for what she has put us all through and I hold my father responsible for not fighting harder against her. Thanks for the chance to share my story.