27 Sep 2007 10:15 PM

sadness, frustration

This evening has been hard. I went to Target and there are new babies everywhere. Cruel. I\\\'ve always said that if you can\\\'t be happy for the birth and life of a baby, you don\\\'t deserve one. I believe it to be true. I know more than anyone what a miracle it is to have this happen to someone. It just won\\\'t happen for us.

Let\\\'s see. Natural attempts at pregnancy. IUI\\\'s. IVF\\\'s. Surrogacy. Adoption. All failed attempts at becoming parents. Every woman involved in any of these attempts smashing our hearts to pieces and most recently rubbing our faces in our attempt.

The most recent and closest attempt has come close to ruining me. I\\\'m strong. I know it. For all I\\\'ve been through in my childhood, growing up, my first marriage. We\\\'d walked away from parenthood recently. My womb gone for good now, hot flashes, let\\\'s just get on with our \\\"single\\\" life. Then, a friend steps up.

I know someone who\\\'s niece is having a baby she does not want, would we be interested? What? Are you kidding me? Ok, now what. She\\\'s 35 weeks. We learned quickly about certification. Oh, and we\\\'re in the process of buying a home. So, call everyone and get closing moved up. Everyone worked so hard and it was done. Did I mention we\\\'d been called and asked at 7am on a Sunday morning, met the birth mother at 10:30, she insisted she wanted him to come home with us by that afternoon?

By Wednesday we\\\'d moved it all up. We\\\'d close Friday. The seller agreed to rent to us for a few days so we could get in there and at least get the baby\\\'s room ready. We\\\'d never been this close. When our surrogate got pregnant, we bought a few onesies and a teddy bear but then she lost it so we put it away... Now, in 48 hours, we\\\'d bought just about everything so we could be ready for our first home inspection ASAP.

I was at the new house with my mom when I got the call he was born. Wow. Shock. Turned out, he was overdue. I wanted to rush there and hold my new son. The reigns were quickly put on when we were told that now that the baby was born, the birth mother knew who the father was. She wanted a meeting with us at 6:30pm, 3 whole hours away. Torture.

When we met, my eyes swollen from crying, we were constantly assured the birth mother had not changed her mind, she only wanted to figure in on the father since she knew who it was. Then, finally, she brought him in to us. I held him first. I cried. My son. My one and only child. Our last chance that we hadn\\\'t even planned on. We\\\'d joked how people say that when you stop trying to have a child, that\\\'s when you finally have one. Now we did.

The love of my life held him next. Our son made faces. He was the most beautiful, precious thing I\\\'d ever seen. Instant love. I don\\\'t think all the words in the world can describe that moment.

We spent a few hours, cared for him, changed his diaper, getting pointers from the birth grandmother. We\\\'d agreed to an open adoption. One in which my son would know his birth family so as to not know or feel shame but know there were just that many more people who loved him.

It turned out he\\\'d been born the previous day. Red flag. The next day they were to be discharged. We\\\'d all agreed that he\\\'d come home from the hospital with us. My sister took the day off from school. We had to finish getting ready for him. Dan put the car seat in the car. Then the birth mother said she\\\'d like to take him home for the weekend and we could take him from the lawyer\\\'s office on Monday. Red flag. Red flag. Red flag.

We cautiously prepared for him. We were told repeatedly by the birth family that the birth mother had not changed her mind. We would take him home on Monday. REPEATEDLY. The birth mother was to meet us for lunch the day of discharge. She didn\\\'t call. Red flag. We were supposed to get together on Saturday to see him. No call. Red flag. We were assured on Sunday she would call so we could make all the arrangements to do paperwork and take him home Monday. No call. It was over and we knew it. I cried. I cry now.

Everyone is so sorry. Everyone says we can try again. Does anyone know how often that phrase is said when a couple is trying to become parents? No. No more trying for us. We have no more heart to be ripped out. We were on our healing path. We were already on the way to our \\\"single\\\" life. We\\\'d be a great aunt and uncle. We\\\'d love our pets to death. Our families are so incredible. We\\\'re blessed in so many ways. That is our life and our way.

We were so close. We held him. I didn\\\'t want to wash my hands because I had his smell on me. We grieve. I had my mom come over the very next day, Monday, to immediately remove all evidence that a loved and adored baby was to live in our home. All of this, straight up, straight down in one week.

Repaint the walls. Remove, return, donate, give back any and all things baby. NOW. I can\\\'t see it, feel it, hear it, smell it, or dream it any more.

We don\\\'t have enough kleenex. Make up is a waste of time. Throwing myself into our new home and it\\\'s projects is a shallow attempt at trying life again.

I don\\\'t understand. I know it makes no sense to try to. How can another human do that?  The birth mother repeatedly told us how she had nothing for him. She lives in a small, single wide trailer with siblings, her parents, and now shares a room with her other two children that her mother is raising because she didn\\\'t want them either.

And our son. Our son is there. It sounds crazy but we grieve for the loss of him. If for only a few hours, he was physically, emotionally, and in every other way, the closest we\\\'d ever been to parenthood. We held and had perfection for a few hours. And, now, we\\\'ve lost him forever. That is what I mean when I say, cruel.

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Lessly (57396) 29 Sep 2007 09:55 AM

I cannot say that I know how you feel, but I can say that my heart goes out to you. I wish that you can experience what your heart desires. I hope that by the grace of God that you will be blessed, and never have to go through this again.

HugZ from afar :)

mommy2067 (19626) 29 Sep 2007 10:17 AM

My heart aches and breaks for you...I have tears in my eyes...I cannot imagine what you have gone through nor will I attempt to...I will pray that God will see you through and will place a child in your arms, your heart, your home....to stay...forever...Reaching out to you with friendship and hugs.....Heather

BeatOfMyHeartRemix (1689) 20 Jan 2008 01:22 PM

This is terrible, you should have a child!