What to do w/a NEGATIVE MOTHER???

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  susanc59 5 years, 3 months ago.

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    I am 33 yrs old – married 10 yrs – 2 children. During my childhood, I had experienced abuse – Emotional and physical on a daily basis. I have a very high-strung, short-tempered, “I’m always right” father. Every day there was fighting in the house – always started by my dad. I was never allowed to go out with friends. I was mostly home by myself in my room or in the house. I’ve always resented my mother and father for not being the parents that I feel that I am now with my children.

    Whenever my parents come over – it’s always negative comments. I know that my parents would do anything for me – but I feel if the “love” isn’t there or can be felt – what’s the point. My mother will call me up frantically if I didn’t answer the phone the minute she called. She feels that I need to call her first before I go anywhere. I shouldn’t have to!!! If we have a conversation on the phone, she never has anything nice to say – NEGATIVE!!! ALWAYS!!! The other day, she called me yelling at me b/c a cousin of mine had a bbq with friends and didn’t invite me. I’m always doing favors for this cousin – b/c I like to – she never does for me b/c I never ask her to. Well my mom was furious b/c I wasn’t invited. She called yelling at me b/c she said that I’m “Stupid”. That “I let them walk all over me”. I told her that I’m 33 yrs old and am capable of making my own decissions. Well – you know what she said? She said “If I find out that you do another favor for your cousin, you could forget about your mother.” I told her that I didn’t have time for this and that I was going to hang up now. That was last Wed morning, July 27th. It’s now Monday, Aug 1st and I haven’t heard from her. This is how she deals with things. She won’t call me. I believe that your mother should be there no matter what – and by her doing that, she isn’t. Am I wrong???



    Unfortunately you don’t get to choose your family. What you can choose is how you react to them and whether you want to have a relationship with them. For example, I don’t have much of a relationship with my junkie, doesn’t-leave-me-her-phone-# and it’s something I miss everyday even though we’ve never been close. My mom basically rejects me. It was crushing first, but now I’ve just learned to accept that as her choice. I do what I can to foster a relationship, and then be satisfied that it is her choice not to accept my gestures.
    If I were you, I’d call my mom and talk to her. Explain (again) how her negative talk makes you feel and why it’s not acceptable. Maybe with patience and repetition, she’ll start to understand.
    I’m certainly not a therapist or any kind of emotional professional, so what I’ve said is my opinion only. Are there any professionals out there who can add to (or strike down) what I’ve said?



    I too have a very negative mother. I chose never to let her affect what I was doing or to pull me down to her level. On our wedding day my husband and I were talking to my mother telling her of our five year plan we put together to get to retirement (it was a second marriage for both and we have a 16 year age difference). We were so excited to start doing all we had planned (building a log house ourselves, traveling abroad, two month cross country trip, etc) and all she could say was “good luck if you can retire in five years but I doubt you will able to”. It was almost as if she wanted us to fail and not enjoy ourselves because she was living a miserable life herself. I will never understand why a parent cannot be happy for a child but have accepted that is the way she is. If your mother will not call you because you are helping another family relative then that is her choice. It is not fair to you that your mother gave you an ultimatium of “her” or your cousin. It sounds like you value family and helping your cousin if you want to is your choice, not your mother’s. I can say from experience if you back down to her demands it will not end there, she will demand more. Somehow your mother must be made to understand when it is not her business what you do. As long as you are not disrespecting her, she needs to stay out of any relationship you choose to have with other family members. You are 33 years old and she needs to stop trying to control you.

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