Snowberry's commentsComments On: EverythingArticles Blogs Journals Photos created by: EveryoneSnowberry Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry27 Feb 2009 12:46 PM I have been following carefully from the sidelines and would just like to tell Grizelda that there is hope. After a couple of years of setting strict boundaries with my mother things have become quite tolerable which is a huge improvement for me. In the beginning she was angry and cruel. Then there was a long period of virtual silence and I thought she had cut me off as she has done with most of the rest of our family. (I should be so lucky). Then she tried being sweet, calling me 'dear' and 'honey' (words I have only ever heard used for the dog) and sending little gifts over with my dad. I saw this clearly as nothing but manipulation. Now, after all this time, she is cooly polite which is the closest thing to respect I have ever had. The bored, slightly irritated tone of voice is no longer and I even had them to dinner and she only slipped once, telling my husband to "shut up". Now she treats me as she would one of the neighbors. Pleasant and polite. It's still not easy to be around her, and I still envy people who have loving mothers, but in between seeing her is wonderful. I felt the same way as Grizelda in the beginning - as if I couldn't breathe and it kept me awake at night. Now I hardly think about it at all. It just doesn't seem important anymore. It only took me 60 + years but I feel as if the black curse has been lifted. So hang in there Grizelda. Things may well get better and I'm praying for you, but be prepared for some very wierd behavior that you haven't seen before. And I think the question about moral obligation may have a different answer for everyone. I actually feel as if I could move away now and I probably will. They are fine and when the day comes that they aren't fine I will try to help. But I don't owe them my own happiness. PS: I think being a recluse is part of all of this because I am socially inhibited, my sister is a serious hermit and my brother is quite withdrawn as well. Food for thought. Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry08 Jan 2009 05:37 PM Yes, I believe I do feel guilty about distancing them since I had the NPD revelation. But it also feels good for me to be able to do this. I feel more in charge of me and quite proud of myself. And I think I have accepted that they are never going to love me or approve of me. It's actually a relief to finally understand and it explains a lot about my own self and who I am. I guess my question really is, "Do we have a moral obligation to take care of our elderly parents if we are in a position to do so?" - even if they have always treated us with anger and cruelty? Do we actually love them anyway? I used to help out an elderly neighbor who was mean, rude and stingy, and it really didn't bother me at all. I just felt sorry for her. Why is it so different with my own parents? Happy New Year and God bless you for this wonderful forum. Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry16 Dec 2008 12:31 PM I want to thank you for this inspiring informative site. I am 60 and just recently figured out that my mother is NPD. I realized several years ago that I would never have their approval (I haven't figured out my father yet but he may be NPD as well), and I have kept distance from them even though they live nearby. Of course, this has made me unacceptable and they seem to blame my husband and are very cruel to him. The whole thing has driven me crazy for most of my life, making me feel unworthy of love and incapable of having a healthy relationship. I could write volumes about the pain my mother has caused me and my family but the biggest problem for me right now is that I have a chance to move away from them and be closer to my kids and grandkids whom I love dearly. Parents are very old and getting frail (both alcoholic) but still live on their own with help from a handiman. They are going to need more help soon and have noone but me to be there for them. I feel that if I move away the guilt would be unbearable and I'm sure they would cut me out of their life - but my husband and family tell me I am entitled to my own happiness. Does anyone else have this issue and how can it be resolved? Thanks again for this site. It has been an incredible help to know there are others out there with the same heartache. |
|
