15 Nov 2007 12:50 AM

Reading Behaviors

Due to my own anxiety, I admit that I have a strong emotional reaction to my son Kaines meltdowns, although I have struggled to keep it at bay. I feel like I am handling it right at that very moment however when I have time to reflect back on the situation, after it is over I can see that my emotional connection to his meltdown is usually the fuel for the brooding fire. I notice that when I stay neutral & stone faced (even emotionally void) it can diffuse the situation enough so he can be redirected. Not always, but often. 

How to stay in control of anxiety when a child is starting to scream, pace and stomp (a telltale sign that the full wrath of a meltdown is coming) is the question I am pondering the most lately. I wish I knew the magic trick to turning off my own anxiety, a magic switch would be even better. I do not have any magic tricks up my sleeve of course and wishing for things that are not based in reality doesn't get you anywhere. I do practice staying focused so I can pick up on the subtle behaviors that proceed a meltdown (but often go unnoticed). I try to listen to what Kaines behaviors are truly trying to communicate to me. Not so easy when he is shouting at me that I am the worst mom ever, or screaming at Khy because he touched his Bionicle. Deciphering the message within the behavior is crucial to calming the child. Validating or repeating what you hear they are trying to communicate is also crucial. It lets the child know you understand them which can then ease their frustration.

An example:

Kaine starts to pace ,walking around in circles stepping on any objects on the floor over and over, like Nemo in a fish bowl, he goes round and round. This behavior will typically escalate to a meltdown. The message in his behavior could be anxiety, stress, boredom. I then know he is at his max tolerance for anything that can test a persons patience, including noise, a difficult task, conflict, shifting focus, hunger, needing space, etc. This is the critical moment to redirect before a fully fledged meltdown occurs, in which it will just have to take its course. A meltdown takes a lot out of everyone involved, especially the child. This is why it is so important to pay more attention to subtle behaviors, they are signs that a meltdown is brewing.

• What I say: Hey Kaine, you are pacing. You are feeling anxious? 
• He responds: No, I'm really hungry!
• I respond: Ok, thank you for telling me so I can help you. Would you like some help getting a snack? After snack we will start your homework again. How does that sound?
• His response: Ok.

Communication challenges.

The fact is that behaviors are ways for a child with poor verbal, non-verbal and pragmatic language skills to communicate. Behaviors can communicate may things. Illness, fear, excitement, stress, anger, happiness, fatigue, discomfort and the need for personal space are only a few. Ignoring the negative stuff during a meltdown so you can read the behavior for what it is trying to communicate is a rewarding challenge. It is much better in the long run though to read behaviors before they reach meltdown status whenever possible. Once the ship is going down, it will go down. There isn't anything you can do but keep the child safe and remove them from the situation until they calm down.

Framing a meltdown.

My son happens to have extremely unpredictable meltdowns. His mood lability is at the top of the scale. I look for very subtle changes in his mood so that I might catch him before he breaks. I find that the more I observe him in typically calmer situations, the more I learn about what really sets the fire in him. Imagine a meltdown like a slideshow, the first frame, the calm child, the last frame, the meltdown. There are many other frames to notice in-between. Meaning, things are usually building for awhile before they get to the last frame, the meltdown.

Houston...we have a problem!

As parents it can be difficult to pay attention when things are going smoothly. We are much more likely to pay attention to a screaming child than a quiet one. By the time they are screaming, it is too late to avoid a meltdown, to redirect and sometimes you may never know what even started it. To your utter confusion and dismay, you are left with the impression that your child just had a 27 minute meltdown about one single piece of popcorn. While all along (had you noticed), they have been pulling at the back of their shirts collar. Scrrrratching, twissssting, shaaaaking their shoulders back and forth for a total of 317 times in one hour. Obviously the lonely piece of popcorn was not the culprit, which is why it doesn't make sense when you tell your best friend, "Jimmy just had a 27 minute meltdown about a piece of popcorn!" You are worn out, Jimmy is worn out, and you will never buy popcorn ever again.

What triggers the meltdown?

Sensory defensiveness is a big one in our house. I think it has been the trigger for many of Kaines most peculiar meltdowns. A simple noise that I may not even hear with my own ears, can send him into a rage about anything, if he can't get a break from it. He gets this look on his face when he hears a noise he doesn't like. It reminds me of when a dogs ears perk up. So instead of ignoring that sign, I react by asking him if he needs a break. Sometimes after he takes a break, he can come back and tolerate the noise, or other sensory experience. It seems so simple yet it isn't always easy to see the smoke signals when you are in the other room making dinner.

Do you have to be within arms reach all the time then?

You can't! I check in on Kaine every 10 minutes or so when I am caught up doing something. I peek in on him, or sit where I can see him for a few minutes, sometimes I just call out "Kaine! Howya doin' in there?" Waiting for him to communicate with me just isn't a good idea. Just posing the Howya doin' question often & throughout the day gives him the opportunity to ask himself, "How am I doing?" There have been massive meltdowns that could have been avoided (20/20 hindsight here) by asking him simple questions. In one incident, we had to pull off the road because Kaine was HYSTERICAL, crying so hard he couldn't breathe. He was screaming about wanting a donut. I climbed in the back of the van with him, only to see he was shivering uncontrollably. He was c-o-l-d. We had just left the beach, and he did not want to change out of his wet shorts (he does not like changing for some reason). I was shocked. Why couldn't he just tell me "I'm cold!"? Instead, he just freaked out, screaming that he wanted a donut, NOW! As soon as I put a jacket around him, he started to calm down enough so we could talk.

It's never really about the donut or that lone piece of popcorn, is it?

As parents of children who have deficits in communication skills, we must be diligent about reading behaviors that lead to meltdowns. Meltdowns are self-esteem killers, giving the child all the wrong types of attention and can actually lead to the injury of themselves or another. A little awareness, observation, and creative planning can help you swerve around those awful little meltdowns. Seeking out information on common triggers for meltdowns like Sensory Integration Dysfunction , can also give you the leg up you have been searching for. (Knowledge is power.)

We all do the best we can during an emotional crisis but that does not mean we can't do it better next time. Life is way too short to not learn from our past experiences, especially with our kids.

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