Most of us know or have been told that, as parents, our best teaching tool is our example. I, personally, grew up in a household where the mantra was ‘do as I say, not as I do’. My mom usually said this in a joking tone of voice, but she did sincerely mean it. I, myself, have caught myself in typical parenting blunders – my favorite was when I lightly swatted one of my toddlers’ bottoms while saying “We don’t hit!” That one caused an entire shift in parenting technique. A close second occurs on long car trips, when I turn around and yell, “Stop shouting!”
I don’t know why my kids yell and hit.
For some obscure reason, I also tend to worry more than I should about various things. Joining the church simply gave me something new to worry about. Now, along with hoping I can teach my kids not to steal and to be productive citizens, I also worry about what I am doing – or not doing – that will help them have a testimony.
I know that they will have to develop their own testimony. But I also know that not all kids who grow up in the church grow up strong in the gospel. On a personal level, my husband, a zillionth descendent of the pioneers, decided to go inactive instead of going on a mission. His younger brother went inactive at about the same time and stayed that way. So I sit there and wonder, what would I have done differently if I had been his parents, grandparents, uncles?
(By the way, don’t take this article as a criticism of my in-laws; I’m just showing why it is a point of special concern for me. By no means am I trying to say that my in-laws did a bad job or that I could have done better in the same situation.)
When you come down to brass tacks, a child raised in the church will always have to develop their own testimony. The trick, I think (if there is a trick), is not to force a testimony on someone; it won’t work. Instead, we need to cultivate a sincere desire to seek out a testimony of their own. And even that will depend primarily on the child.
All of this introduction is just to say that, when it comes down to it, our children will look at us. They will either decide they want to be like their parents, or they will decide that they don’t. If they see parents who say one thing and do another, they may decide not to even try. (The same is true of church leaders, by the way.)
Sometimes the things we may do are minor, not major, issues. For instance, I know one mom who lectures her teenage daughter that ‘church is not for socializing’. She reprimands the girl for dawdling before going to Young Women. Then that same parent sits in the foyer through Sunday School and Relief Society, visiting with folks who pass by in the hall. She has a rationalization – her calling makes her late for class, and so she doesn’t want to interrupt – but her daughter doesn’t see that. All her daughter sees is that class is not important to her mom, so why should it be for her?
Other things that may just occur without our thinking about them (I’m good at doing things without thinking) include: gossiping about other members of the ward, criticizing our leaders, skipping General Conference, breaking the Sabbath, not paying tithing, speaking unkindly or judgmentally of others, and dodging the Ward Secretary because you think a calling or talk may be in the future for you.
Am I saying that a perfect life will ensure perfect kids? No. After all, even Heavenly Father had billions of his children rebel and choose their own path. But your kids keep their eye on you, from infanthood on. Babies and toddlers are more obvious about it, but even teenagers watch their parents. They may not emulate you at age 16, but once they turn 25 or so and you learn a lot, they’ll think back to what you’ve taught. Some may even try to be more like you when they hit those tough teen years. Either way, your example and your life will be in the back of their minds. Make sure it is the best possible example you can provide.
Related Articles:
Gospel Doctrine: A Light to Darkness
Primary Time: Teaching Reverence to Older Children
Young Women: Loving Your Rebellious Daughter