As parents, we may think of jealousy as something we have to manage in our personal lives, or one of those green-eyed problems to teach our children about. We cope with sibling rivalry, co-worker rivalries, and other forms of jealousy but we might not think about whether or not we are actually jealous of our own children and whether that is affecting our family dynamics or not.
I try to teach my children (and remind myself) the difference between envy and jealousy. As I simplify it for my kids, “envy” is when we want something that someone else has and “jealousy” is when we are afraid someone is going to take something of ours. This is why we might be envious when the neighbor wins the lottery or gets a new car, but jealous if our spouse or significant other is paying attention to someone else.
When it comes to our children, it is not uncommon for parents to feel jealous—especially in regards to relationships our children might have with others. We might be jealous that our children have a much better connection with our own parents (their grandparents) or an aunt or uncle than we have; or we might be jealous of the time a spouse spends with children. Even though we may intellectually know this is a good thing, our emotions might not cooperate and we feel as though our children are getting something that should belong to us.
The important first step is to flush out and acknowledge that we are feeling jealous and figure out why and what is going on for us. Often, just the process of naming it and talking it through with someone or working on it ourselves can be all it takes to expose and eliminate feeling jealous of our children. Our emotions can often be a knee-jerk reaction and when we sort them out, they cease to have so much power over us. Do not hesitate to see a therapist or counselor or talk with a trusted friend if you are feeling jealous of your children—hopefully you can face it and deal with it before it has a lasting affect on your kids or your family.