Are you a more strict parent than your friends? Is your refrigerator decorated with chore charts and house rules rather than handprint art? Do you expect your children to obey you, even if you don’t explain your reasoning?
If so, you likely have an authoritarian parenting style. You have high expectations of your kids and won’t put up with any of that “kids will be kids” nonsense, according to Parents.com.
While authoritarian parenting may seem effective in the short term, parenting experts and pediatricians agree it’s not the best parenting style in the long run. That’s because kids parented in this way tend to have lower self-esteem, they’re likely to become rebellious, and they often have trouble managing their emotions and thinking independently.
What is Authoritarian Parenting?
Authoritarian parents tend to be the most strict parents out there — the opposite of permissive parents. They have lots of rules but aren’t willing to discuss them or accept their children’s feedback or opinions about them.
While this sounds harsh, most authoritarian parents mean well. Usually, they firmly believe their parenting style will produce children who are capable, well-rounded, high-achieving members of society.
But often, this comes at a cost. “Children whose behavior is largely dependent on a strict regimen of do’s and don’ts will base their own self worth on whether or not they have obeyed the rules put into place by their parents,” says Jeff Nalin, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Paradigm Treatment Centers.
Characteristics of Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian parents have high expectations for their children. Specifically, this style involves the following characteristics:
Tend to have an extensive list of rules they expect their children to follow
Take a “children should be seen and not heard” approach to parenting
Give their children chores starting at a young age
Are highly focused on their children’s safety
Give firm consequences when rules are broken
Sometimes use threats or punishments to keep kids in line
Often lack responsiveness and affection
Tend to be critical of their children
Authoritarian parents might be heard saying, “Because I said so.” They don’t believe children need explanations but instead should obey without question.
Children who break parental rules are usually reprimanded in some ways, says Aude Henin, PhD, co-director of the Child Cognitive-Behavior Therapy (CBT) Program at Massachusetts General Hospital.
“The parent’s focus is often on punishing ‘bad’ behavior rather than using positive reinforcement such as praise,” she says. Some authoritarian parents may use harsh punishments such as shaming or corporal punishment.
There are many reasons why parents may use an authoritarian parenting style. For some, it may be a cultural trend or a result of their own upbringing. Others may feel that a strict approach is the best way to gain compliance.
Some research indicated that parenting styles are influenced by parental personality traits, the child’s temperament, and the level of social support and partner satisfaction. Further, it found that authoritarian and permissive mothers, in particular, had high scores in neuroticism, which tends to indicate anxiousness and lack of emotional stability.
Authoritarian Parenting And Teens
Authoritarian parenting in the teen years might be something like a high schooler wanting to take an art class as an elective, the authoritarian parent forbidding it, and making the teen take computer science instead. “The parent tells the teen that the art classes won’t help them get a job and are for slackers who don’t want to do real schoolwork,” describes Dr. Henin.
How to Avoid the Authoritarian Parenting Style
While there’s merit in adding rules and structure into your parenting style, authoritarian parenting is often criticized because it is not based on a warm, mutually understanding relationship. For this reason, most psychologists do not recommend an authoritarian parenting style.
To avoid authoritarian parenting, it’s important to be in touch with your child’s feelings. Spend some time listening to your kids and being responsive; this will help you become warmer and more supportive.