I just wanted to touch on some thoughts I had relating to birth family, entitlement and communication. These are mostly things I wanted to get off my chest, but I hope someone who needs to hear them will have a better understanding of one adoptive mother’s perspective anyway.
Allowing Contact with Birth Family
Most parents I know would agree there is often a sense of loyalty within family—even within birth family. Whether or not this is true in any specific case, it’s because of this many adoptive parents are leery to allow much contact—if any, fearing some information, out of this sense of “loyalty”, will get back to a birth parent. Due to the types of cases involved in the state’s children’s services, adoptive parents should be cautious as to what information is revealed.
I believe the majority of adoptive parents recognize the importance (for the sake of their children) of having medical and social history on birth family should questions arise. Pictures of birth parents or other birth relatives may be very valuable to a person who’s been adopted. For this reason, many adoptive parents choose to mediate with birth family in various degrees to carefully keep a line of communication open for future information.
The choices a birth parent makes which results in the termination of their parental rights, voluntary or involuntary, doesn’t always reflect the choices other birth family members make or have made. Many adoptive parents understand there often birth relatives that are safe and care deeply about the child. A birth relative should not assume that just because they share genetics with the child, that an adoptive parent should feel any obligation or agree with any feelings of entitlement that a birth family member might have.
How Children may be Viewed by their Adoptive Parents
I think I can pretty boldly say that most adoptive parents don’t really give a rip about blood relation when it comes to their children—at least in my opinion, they shouldn’t. We don’t love our children any more or less because their genetic history may differ. Adoptive families are often made up of bonds just as strong biological families but they happen as a result of relationship, rather then blood and genetics.
Adoptive parents I know waited a long time to have their family. Many who’ve adopted through their state have done their homework by taking classes, reading books and getting involved with a support group so they might better meet any needs their child may have.
What Children Who’ve Been Adopted Might Feel
I’m really not qualified to write here as I have not been adopted. I have met many who were and have read quite a bit on how many adoptees feel about their birth family. Some children who have been adopted express a desire to meet and even have a relationship with birth family. However, most I’ve spoken with or have read about say, though there is a curiosity about their birth family, they don’t necessarily feel there needs to be an ongoing relationship for the purpose of feeling complete. I know some birth family worry that their relative will feel abandon by their birth family because they were adopted. I wish I could say this never happens, but I haven’t personally met anyone who feels this way. Children who’ve grown up in a healthy loving home only knowing their adoptive parents as mom and dad, likely won’t feel the need to replace them.
Melissa is a Families.com Christian Blogger. Read her blogs at: http://members.families.com/mj7/blog