I have two stepdaughters who struggle quite seriously with ADHD. Both girls take a medication called Adderall, which helps, mostly with the hyperactivity. The older of the two is a sweet, gentle girl with beautiful long hair the color of the sunset. So for the purposes of this post I will call her “Sunni.” I want to protect her privacy, as she is a twelve-year-old nearly entering middle school who is tremendously shy and private.
The Phone Call
Today Sunni’s teacher phoned. She said, “We are having more problems with Sunni’s attention in class.” She then dropped a bomb, and told me that Sunni has about fifteen assignments missing. “Hasn’t she been bringing you the missing assignment list on Mondays?” the teacher asked.
“No, she hasn’t,” I admitted.
I then realized that Sunni has been telling me, for weeks now, that she didn’t have any homework at all. I would ask whether she had work to do, and she would say, “No, I finished it in class,” or “I stayed in from recess and finished it.” I knew that it didn’t sound plausible, but she was insistent. “You can even ask my teacher,” she’d say.
I would eye her suspiciously. “If I find out at parent-teacher conferences that you haven’t been doing your work, I am not going to be happy,” I told her. She assured me that she was all caught up. I believed her.
I think if it had been my younger stepdaughter who had given me this malarkey I would have immediately seen through it. But Sunni has such a sweet disposition and is rarely dishonest with me. I always oversee my children’s homework, and we have an after-dinner time slot where everyone gets homework done. How did I let this happen?
Sunni’s teacher continued. “She will spend about ten minutes of class time searching through her backpack for her paper, which never materializes, or turns up blank. And the work she does turn in is incomplete. We are seeing papers covered with marker.”
“Marker?”
“Yes. Her papers are covered with hearts, scribbles, illegible words, and lines across the paper. All in marker. It’s very strange.”
Searching for Solutions
“Hmmmm,” I said, honestly stumped at what to say or suggest. I finally offered, “It appears that she needs to start bringing home a list of her daily homework, signed by you, that I can review each day. Then I will sit with her after school and make sure she finishes all her assignments.”
The teacher reminded me that she already has a homework journal I should be checking. I informed her that I have been looking at the journal, but what was written there was in my stepdaughter’s illegible handwriting, and simply listed subjects like, “math, decimals.” When I would ask Sunni about it, she’d say, “That’s just the stuff we covered in class.” So the journal was not working. Sunni needed more accountability, and I needed to see exactly what daily assignments her teacher had given her.
Consequences
After the phone call, I had a private talk with Sunni. I told her that I was now aware of her real homework situation, and how she was terribly behind in her schoolwork. I expressed great disappointment in her dishonesty. “I can no longer trust you with respect to homework,” I said. “So now I must find out about your homework assignments directly from your teacher. And you will be completing your work immediately after school. No more video games.” (Typically, I allow my kids recreation time.)
Sunni looked at the floor and nodded. It was like she felt relief that the truth was out. She needed someone—me—to take the controls on what had become a runaway locomotive. So I have indeed taken them back.
Empathy and Reassessments
This morning, while Sunni is gone away to school, I’ve been feeling sorry for her. ADHD is a difficult road. I can’t imagine what it must be like to fight the flashes of chaotic thoughts that flitter in and out of her mind. It’s no wonder her papers are covered with random gibberish. Perhaps she is trying to make sense of all that inner pandemonium. She is generally such a good natured child. How I wish I could be a better parent to her!
The task of parenting a child with ADHD requires frequent re-assessments. How am I doing? Not well. What can I do better? Check in daily with her teacher. No more believing this “I don’t have homework,” stuff. Step up and get more involved with her education. Realize that Sunni needs guidance, more guidance than I’ve been giving. And maybe check her medication? Right.
Oh, and one more thing: try to forgive myself for being an imperfect parent. Yes, I’ll have to do that, too.