Growing up I always pictured myself with a handful of kids. I come from a family of six and while at times they drove me crazy, I always knew that no matter what I could count on them for anything. When we went through hard things with our parent’s divorce we had each other to lean on. We were all going through the same thing and were able to be a strength to each other.
When my ex husband and I got divorced I had to face the fact that Logan may be my only child. It was a struggle for me because my plan had always been for him to have lots of brothers and sisters. But, of course, things don’t always go how we plan them, and here we were just the two of us. I remember when I was married, I had longed for another baby. At the time it was out of the question because financially we could barely make it as it was. If we had thrown another baby into the mix, it would have been far more than our little pocketbook could bear. Looking back, I am so thankful that we didn’t bring another child into our mess of a marriage. It was hard enough to watch Logan go through it. We couldn’t do that to another one. But I still didn’t feel complete.
As time went on I realized that perhaps someday I would remarry and be able to give Logan the brothers and sisters I had dreamed. Then about a month ago I was hit with the news that that may not be a possibility for me. I was devastated. The thought of not being able to have more children was like a knife in my chest. I felt like I had just been given the official “pink slip” of womanhood. I spent the entire month mourning. There were nights I cried myself to sleep, feeling like my life was over. I was 22. This sort of thing just doesn’t happen in real life! You read stories about it happening to other people, but you never expect it to happen to you.
I went back in to the doctor yesterday for a biopsy. I was thrilled to hear the prognosis, that it was likely I would still be able to have children. You never know what you are going to be faced with in life. As single parents, I think most of us didn’t expect to be where we are, facing what we are facing. But, the important thing is that we face our trials with courage, doing everything we can to be the best we can be in spite of our circumstances. Even though life isn’t exactly what you thought it would be, be grateful for the good things that are all around you. They make the hard things that much easier to go through.