Are you sure you are ready to search? It can be a long and grueling process. There can be misinformation given, that can frustrate you. There can be dead ends and wrong turns along the way. Are you prepared to face those frustrations daily? Are you prepared for the long extensive research that goes along with it? Are you prepared to find out that perhaps a biological relative does not want contact with you?
Nobody is ever truly prepared. But there is a certain mentality that you must take when beginning your search. You need to remember that the person you are looking for is human too. They also have wants and feelings. They also have reasons for what they did. And while we may never understand them, they are that person’s reason.
To most, my reunion with my biological mother is rosy and perfect. And well, now days – it is. But many years ago, it was not that way. She wasn’t ready for the contact yet, and needed time to mentally prepare herself. That was extremely difficult for me. I was lucky however, because I had birth relatives who were active in my life keeping me apprised of situations and her feelings.
Here are a few things to think about when first making the decision to search.
What are you hoping to find?
What do you hope to gain from this search and possible reunion?
Is there a medical problem you are concerned with, that might be answered or at least handled better if the knowledge was there?
Are you trying to find your identity?
Are you wondering why you were put up for adoption?
Are you prepared to change your life forever by finding whatever it is you find at the end of the search?
Are you aware that you are possibly on the verge of interfering in someone else’s life without their consent?
Are you prepared to hit dead ends and road blocks along the way?
Do you understand that your end results might not be what you were looking for?
Are you under the impression that this will end with a fairy tale ending, and everyone will live “happily ever after”?
Are you prepared for your search to possibly alter or affect your relationship with your adoptive parents?
Are you angry about your adoption?
Are you prepared for the costs involved in a search? The time? The effort? The waiting game…?
Are you prepared to learn that the details surrounding your adoption may be less than desirable. There may be abuse, violence or other situations that occurred?
Are you ready to face the fact that your birth parent might not wish to be contacted? They might be angry or resentful? And are you prepared to accept that they might never wish to be contacted again?
Have you thought of what will be the outcome of a subsequent reunion?
Are you able to spend time getting to know them, and allowing them into your life fully?
What if you have siblings? What if they don’t know about you? What if they are angry or resentful? Are you prepared to deal with that?
Are you prepared to share this part of your life with your current family, your children? Have you thought about how you will explain all of this to them?
Will you be able to set up boundaries if you are unhappy with the reunion results?
What if your biological family tries to maintain contact and you’ve decided you do not wish to have contact anymore?
Are you trying to find the missing pieces in your puzzle?
Are you looking for a mother or father that is missing from your life?
Are you just looking for answers to all of your life long questions?
No matter how you answer any of these questions, they are all questions that an adoptee or even biological parent must be forced to look at if conducting a search. You need to be prepared mentally and emotionally for the ups and downs that come with a search. I highly recommend you sit down with this list of question and seriously consider each one. Think about your answers and discover the reason you wish to search.
Then decide if you’re ready to search.
Good luck!