There’s a local news show in Nashville called Tennessee Mornings. Normally I watch Today during breakfast, but yesterday while a commercial was running I flipped channels. Which proved fortuitous because I flipped right when they were interviewing Joe Beam, a relationship expert.
Apparently he has a national talk show called Give & Take with Joe Beam. I didn’t catch the entire interview, but from the bit I did catch I immediately discerned a couple of things. One, Mr. Beam has an incredibly friendly and warm style. Two, he’s also ultra sensible and direct in his views.
But he’s not abrasive like some relationship experts can be. (Dr. Phil comes to mind.)
For instance, the hosts of Tennessee Mornings asked him what he felt the biggest problem was with relationships these days. He said overwhelmingly and unquestionably it had to do with people’s expectations.
Instead of looking at our mates and spouses for who and what they are, most people are all about changing their partner. Instead of accepting differences of opinions, they’re not satisfied until their partner comes around to their point of view.
Wayne and I learned all about this very early on. Wayne has a tendency to be a “it’s my way or the highway” sort of guy. He set all kinds of conditions on when and why we’d finally get married.
Well, I have a tendency to be extremely stubborn and I was damned if I was going to change for anyone just so they’d marry me.
In the end, both Wayne and I changed. We had to. But it wasn’t because I was requiring it of him or vice versa. Our relationship required it.
In Wayne’s case he had to change his way of thinking. I had gained 20 pounds since we’d first started dating. I had $500 in credit card debt. Neither the 20 pounds nor the $500 debt was a lot by most estimations, but Wayne felt that was an indication of what was to come. (In the weight department he was right, but I’m happy to report after I paid off that $500 I’ve been debt free ever since.) The fact of the matter was, I was who I was. He had to accept that, or…
In my case, I had to change my expectations of getting married. Wayne was not going to be a grand romancer in the proposal department. He was more pragmatic about the whole marriage affair. But I loved him. I had to accept who he was and not expect differently, or…
Somehow we were able to grasp this concept. Once we stopped trying to change the other person into some ideal we felt they needed to be, and instead accepted things as they were, everything just started to click. Almost all of our other problems we fought about dissolved too.
Change is scary, especially when you’re the one who needs to do it. It’s always easier to think the other person needs to do it, not us. But if you’re relationship is experiencing conflict, really look at why.
Are your expectations reasonable? Are you only thinking from your perspective, not your relationship’s as a whole? Are you asking your mate to change for you just for the sake of your convenience?
If you answered yes to any of the above, then I regret to inform you that, yes, you are the biggest problem in your relationship’s difficulties.
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Rule Number 1: No Such Thing as a Perfect Marriage
Rule Number 2: You Get What You Give
Rule Number 3: Change is a Catch-22