It’s hard to tell what kids know, remember, or are in denial about. My almost-eight-year-old is very intelligent. She has pictures of her foster mother and a whole scrapbook about her adoption, which she presented to her preschool class. She seemed happy to have me read books explaining adoption to her first grade class last year.
Recently a new friend, who wasn’t at the school last year when I did the presentation, asked me (in front of Meg), “Is Meg adopted?” I tried to deflect the question to Meg, trying to avoid a repeat of the “Can she speak English” conversation where the questioner directs all questions to me as if Meg were not present. Learning that Meg was indeed adopted, the questioner said, (again, to me): “I forget what that means.”
“You can ask Meg,” I encouraged her.
Meg’s classmate turned to Meg.
“It means you were born in another state,” said my daughter.
So much for adoption education.
(“Or another country,” Meg added hastily.)
I decided not to get into the conversation further until I could talk to Meg privately.
Later at home, I reminded Meg of the conversation and said,
“Hey Meg, you know that not all people who were adopted are from another country. Your uncle was born in this state and adopted by parents here, and so are lots of people. You know that the main meaning of being adopted means you grew inside another mother than the one you have now.” (Meaning no disrespect to the birthfather, but we haven’t gotten to the role of the father in reproduction yet–another discussion to look forward to soon.)
“I know,” said Meg irritably, in that superior tone. I can’t tell if she really knew or was embarrassed not to have known.
“Then why did you tell Suzy that it meant being from another state or country?” I persisted.
“Because it’s popular to be from another state or country,” Meg replied.
That, at least, is a relief. Some local adoptees from other countries have reported experiencing racism at their schools. Apparently that isn’t happening to Meg. She has always been around a fair number of Asian people, although not necessarily Koreans.
This incident hasn’t really come up again. Although I write about adoption here, adoption-related moments are really fairly small parts of our family life. But perhaps they will interest other adoptive parents. Have any of you experienced similar things?
I’ve wondered if Meg knew but didn’t want to think about being adopted. She has gone through phases of being interested in Korean things, then of not wanting to talk about them.
It might be a little bit like Santa. Meg found out about him this year, but then appeared to forget. She was extra careful to leave goodies for the reindeer as well as for Santa and insisted she had to leave him a long note on Christmas Eve.
Whatever it is, it will come up again in a few months when Meg’s school does their heritage presentations. So stay tuned.
So stay tuned.