Will my child love me? This is the question that I asked myself the most when we were waiting to adopt. It was my greatest concern and fear. When I had read adoption books, I always skipped to the chapter on attachment. However, like the question, “Will I love my child?” I soon found that this fear was very natural and normal to have.
The concept of bonding and attachment between parent and child is not a simple one. Before going further to explain bonding and attachment, I would like to mention that most adopted children and their parents can bond and do maintain healthy relationships. But, at times adoptive parents and their children are faced with challenges of attaching and bonding. The extreme cases are often picked up by the media or written about. Prospective adoptive parents hear these cases and then become concerned they may be faced with similar challenges. It is also important to understand that there can be difficulty in bonding and attachment between biological parents and their children.
In the book “Real Parents, Real Children” by Holly van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb, it is discussed that a healthy parent/child relationship is composed of three parts. These three parts are trusting or bonding, positive interaction, and claiming and belonging.
Bonding happens in the first six months after a baby is born. It is the initial form of trust between a caregiver and the baby. Bonding is established by repeatedly meeting your child’s needs in infancy. Such needs are feeding, diaper changing, and comforting. When bonding is established successfully between the initial caregiver and infant, then trust can be transferred to other individuals later in life.
Attachment is the emotional and psychological ties that develop from the bond. It continues to grow and change as a child matures. Attachment is built through mutually positive interactions between parent and child. Examples of the positive interaction between parent and child are, smiling, giggling, and playing. Attachment is also further established by the parents claiming the child and the child having the sense of belonging in the family.
Additional influences that play a role in attachment are, past bonds, trauma or loss, personalities of the parent and child, feelings about the adoption process, and attraction.
Love is the attachment and the emotional result of bonding. It is also the result of positive interaction, claiming, and belonging.
When a couple or individual is in the process of adopting a child, they plan on loving their baby or child. As I mentioned in the beginning of the post, most of the time a healthy relationship does form between the parent and child. However, at times underlying issues do occur that can hinder this process. It is always best to address the issues head on and seek professional help. Fortunately, today there are many therapists that specialize in bonding and attachment issues. With time, patience, and guidance a healthy and loving relationship can be built.