When Friends Ask About Adoption by Linda Bothun is a slim volume designed for adoptive parents to give their friends and relatives, schools and professionals, and parents of their children’s friends.
Perfect, I thought. A quick, inexpensive read, with examples of positive adoption language, that I could give other people who interact with my children so we’ll all be on the same page. Bothun correctly points out that adoptive parents have spent a lot of time thinking and talking with other adoptive parents about what adopted children say and how they might respond. Adoption is such a natural part of our lives that we sometimes forget that others do not think about these things and may be caught off guard.
Linda Bothun recounts two incidents which led her to write this book. The primary motivator was when a parent at her children’s school told her, “I’ve just scared my child. I was telling him that you had adopted your daughter, and now he’s crying, afraid that you might give her back some day. I must not have said the right things.”
Bothun says, “I was concerned. Very concerned. That her child had experienced such fear about a friend. For my own children, one adopted, one born to me, for whom that conversation might have harmful consequences. I knew instinctively that the attitude of her friends toward something as basic as her birth would affect the way my daughter feels about herself.”
Bothun also recalls a favorite aunt who introduced their family by saying, “this is their adopted daughter and this is their own son”. She recalls grimacing, but finding it difficult to correct her aunt.
I think Bothun is overreacting to the first incident. It is good to have those around our child be comfortable with her story. But I don’t think a child’s self-esteem is in great jeopardy–it’s up to the adoptive parents to explain to their child that their friends don’t know that adoption is a common and beautiful way for a family to be made.
Conversely I would have no trouble reminding anyone, beloved or not, that our daughter is our own child by adoption and our son is our own child by birth. Parents should always remember our first responsibility is to our child, not to educate others.
But educating others is a good goal, and the format of the book is handy. After an introduction and suggestions for use, the heart of the book is thirty-two questions. The questions are written as if being asked by a non-adoptive parent of an adoptive parent. Bothun points out that not all adoptive parents are comfortable with the same language. She offers several suggestions and leaves space in each question for parents to write in their own preferred and suggested answers, so that they can customize the book for their parents and friends. The final two sections contain Bothun’s musings on why adoption historically came to be considered a matter for secrecy and on the importance of language.
Bothun is anticipating that a primary audience for the book is non-adoptive parents wondering how to answer their own children’s questions about their adopted friends. Bothun says she is envisioning especially parents of 5 to 7-year-olds, since that is an age where kids are likely to tell their friends they are adopted. She also includes a couple of questions for those who interact with adopted teens.
Nevertheless the book has some weaknesses. It is definitely focused on domestic infant adoption. It gives slight mention to international and transracial adoption, but nonetheless talks again and again about how few children are available for adoption, how most people adopt due to infertility or other medical reasons, and about “when parents tell children they are adopted”. The book, about ten years old, does not address open adoption at all.
The book does do a good job in explaining that adoptive parents do not pay for or purchase children, but services involved in the adoption are paid for, such as the homestudy, caseworker’s salaries, and prenatal care. The book also does a good job explaining that a real parent is the one who takes care of the child, although birthparents or biological parents bring them into the world. It also does a good job telling about why a birthmother might decide to place a child and that it has nothing to do with the child but that she cannot parent any child. (Again, the book seems to presume a young single mother.)
To sum up, for me the book was a good reminder of what questions others might have—but I’d rather come up with my own answers. (Stay tuned to this blog!)
Please see these related blogs:
Things All Children Should Know About Adoption