Finding common ground between two people in a marriage seems harder than it is. Communication is the key to any good relationship, but communication involves more than just:
“Morning.”
”Morning.”
“Kids off to school?”
”Yep.”
“Okay. I’m off to work.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
The couple here is communicating, but they are not connecting. Communication without connection can lead to an unhappy, if failed marriage. So how do you make those connections? It starts with the little things. Start with the assumption of good intentions. Everyone in the marriage is busy, perhaps your husband is at work a lot and you have the brunt of the household or vice versa or you both work. However the situation is, you’re both busy.
The assumption of good intentions means that every act is assumed to have a positive meaning and not a negative one. This sounds hard, but it’s not as hard as all that. For example, an assumption of good intentions might allow the following conversation to not only avoid an argument, but also make a connection between the couple:
“Morning.”
“Morning. Kids are off to school. What time do you think you’re going to be home tonight?”
“Not sure. Something up?”
“You’ve been working a lot lately, we miss you and I was hoping you could be home in time for dinner and to do something.”
“I don’t know. I’ll try. But I’d really like that too.”
”Do what you can.”
“I will.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
“I’ll call at lunch.”
”Okay.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
The conversation was more in depth. Husband and wife both expressed their thoughts. Neither took the others responses as an accusation or an evasion. They miss the time they used to spend with each other and there’s a stress that’s being created by his working late and her feelings that she is handling a lot on her own.
By assuming good intentions, they avoided the static that stress can generate in a conversation. That’s not to say that assuming good intentions works every time, but it can help avoid saying or construing a negative where none exists. Over the years, when I’ve been having a particularly bad day or morning or I’m just in a crabby mood, I’ve made it a habit to tell my husband sorry in advance.
“Hey, on the off chance that I say really snotty things today or I’m really rude. I’m sorry. I’m not in the best of moods and I’m just feeling really off.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Life? The Universe? Everything?”
“Just having that kind of day?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Well, I forgive you in advance then and I won’t take it personally.”
“Thanks – last thing I want to do is take my bad mood out on you.”
“Well if I can help …”
“You already did.”
And you know what? It does. Every single time we’ve had that conversation, I’ve not lashed out or taken my crabby attitude out on him. My day is already a bit brighter and a little more on solid ground. It seems that acknowledging the negativity and making a game plan on how we will respond to it to each other, alleviates the tremendous pressure off of both of us.
We find out common ground in making connections. Those connections let us reach out to each other past the stress and the worries. It’s not a candlelit dinner or a walk on the beach, but it’s a lot like honeysuckle on a summer night – sweet exotica in the midst of the humidity.