What is a chain of whys? The why chain gets started when you and your spouse experience a communication breakdown. It’s okay, we all have mechanical difficulties occasionally and there are options that help you avoid trading in the old model for the new. So let’s talk about the chain of whys and how you break it.
The chain of whys is the nasty cycle couples can experience when they really don’t understand what their partner is doing. For example:
“You never offer to help. It never occurs to you help.”
”I’d help if you asked me to.”
“Why do I have to ask?”
“Why don’t you ask?”
Does that conversation sound familiar? The number of arguments that come to ahead over the question of why is what starts the chain. Unfortunately, couples are comprised of not one, but two human beings. Two humans. Two hearts. Two minds. Two sets of ears. Two sets of mouths. Two sets of perceptions. Two sets of problems.
Can you see why this might be a problem?
Communication is vital for the survival of any relationship whether it’s a marriage, a friendship, a work-related partnership or even a parent-child relationship. One of the first rules of communication is to not apply your standards to someone else. What do I mean by standards? Well, let’s see – have you ever had this conversation:
“You don’t listen to me anymore. I feel like I mean less than nothing to you.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Well, maybe your partner shouldn’t feel that way but that’s not a decision you get to make for them. When our children are upset over something, we feel empathy for them even when we know they are making a mountain out a molehill. It doesn’t matter, when something is important to you – it’s important. The adage one man’s trash is another man’s treasure is completely apropos to the chain of whys.
The second part of the chain of whys takes place when we assume communication. You get up in the morning, you say hello, you have coffee and you get ready for your respective days. Most married couples whether one person stays home or both work, live separate lives after the morning coffee and those lives remain separate until one or both partners return to the house together. It can be easy to assume you might know the answer to something or even easier to assume your spouse knows what you know, but let’s pretend for a minute that they really don’t know what you do.
When you throw out assumptions and not only ask questions, but answer them – you can chop away another link in the chain of whys.
How you ask?
Easy, instead of assuming they have to be up at a certain time in the morning and being annoyed when they aren’t, ask them. Instead of assuming that your spouse will always take the kids to school every single day, check in and see if they need a hand. When one of the kids needs to go to the doctor, is it one spouse’s responsibility and assumed by both to be true?
What about a trip to the grocery store?
What about dinner?
What about the errands?
Is there an assumption in place that if something needs to be done that responsibility falls on one spouse or another?
If you’re nodding your head, let me ask you this — do you feel some resentment over that assumption? If you do – then break that chain of whys and start talking. The truth of the matter is – your partner is not a mind reader. Your partner may know you better than anyone else on the planet, they may be able to predict your responses to gifts, movies, books and jokes – but they are still not privy to the thoughts that occupy the deepest recesses of your mind.
Assumption is the worst form of communication, because no communication actually takes place. The partners infer the communication internally and never touch base externally unless pressured to do so. If these problems continue to go on unchecked, you may discover that you are saying less and less to each other, but complaining more and more.
· Don’t assume.
· Don’t take for granted.
· Don’t get locked into a chain of whys.
Break the chain. Talk to your spouse. Make a list of the things that have to be done this week and split it up. Make active decisions, together and avoid the arguments that passive assumption can plant the seeds for.