Increasingly, some adults are finding themselves stuck in the middle as part of the “sandwich club”–caring both for their own young children and their aging parents or grandparents. With the responsibility for managing a household, often working full time, and caring for the generations on either side of them, these people can be overwhelmed, over stressed, and stretched so thinly, they could snap!
Many of these individuals in the sandwich club are older parents–adults who waited to have their own children until they were in their late thirties or early forties, or perhaps they themselves were born to older parents. Trying to juggle teacher-parent conferences, household chores, work obligations and managing the health or personal issues that arise with aging parents means the pressure of multiple issues from multiple sources.
Unfortunately, these sandwich stresses are not equally distributed between the genders. I attended an educational workshop a few months ago, where the aging specialist shared that elderly adults want the eldest daughter as their first choice of caregiver should they need it, and their second choice is for the female spouse of a son. Gender obviously dictates who becomes a caregiver, over blood relationships! So, women are the predominant caregivers in many families–both for the children and for the aging parents. Since most women with families also work outside the home now–you’ve got the recipe for stress and burn out.
If you are one of these courageous and hardy women, it is important to get support and help in order to stay grounded. At the same workshop, the speaker recommended finding a support group and scheduling in regular appointments and activities for self care–this included exercise, outings out with friends, taking a class–things that refuel and rejuvenate. She also suggested that these people need to learn when to stamp their feet and fight–with doctors, teachers, coaches, etc. and when to just let things go. Just like with parenting, she advised, that these hardworking individuals have to learn to pick their battles and let things go if they can’t be solved.
Finally, she advised that members of the sandwich club use one rule for both their children and their aging parents–not to do anything for anyone that they could do themselves. This goes for kids, spouses, and parents. She stressed that women are socialized to be caregivers and do, do, do–when there are multiple people for us to care for, we can really overdo it–so if you are caring for multiple generations, try not to take on more than you have to!