Recently I overheard two women in the supermarket car park talking about the death of someone they knew. One said, ‘It happened so suddenly and that’s always harder to cope with.’
‘Such a shock to the family. No one was prepared,’ the other woman agreed.
Is it harder to cope with? I’d dispute that. Are we ever prepared for death?
I thought about my own experience with the death of my parents. Yes, Dad’s death left us in shock. It also left me feeling guilty. I was the only home with him when it happened and I used to think if I had responded sooner, maybe things would have been different. The doctor assured me it wouldn’t have made a scrap of difference because Dad had a second fatal heart attack at the hospital.
But grief and guilt are irrational emotions. I carried that guilt around for a long time till the Lord stepped in and helped me deal with it and accept what had happened. He helped me change my attitude.
Mom’s death meant a long time of watching her in pain and suffering. Did it prepare me for her death? Not a bit. It was still a huge wrench. Still a shock. I still felt like a lost child, even though I was a grown woman. And of course I realized I was now an orphan.
Yet some people expected me to have been prepared and therefore to be able to move on more quickly afterwards. It doesn’t always work that way.
Grief is an individual thing for individual people. We can try and put time frames and stages on it, but there are so many variables like how close the person is to the one who has died. What else has been going on in their lives? E.g. if they have already experienced the death of someone close. Whether they are well themselves or dealing with other issues. Whether they are close to other family members or have no other family? Whether you have the assurance that they are a Christian or not. If you are a Christian and you doubt they were, it can be hard to deal with. Whether they are left with guilt, relief, things unresolved or simply a huge hole that seems impossible to fill in their lives.
So, if we can’t put a time frame on grief, how can we help those who are grieving?
Tomorrow I’ll give some suggestions. But I’d love to hear your suggestions of ways to help the grieving person as well.
Please visit these related blogs
Dealing with the death of parents
10 ways to change your attitude
the experience of losing a parent
Is it okay to be angry with God?
is it okay to be angry with God -part 2