One of the issues I have heard single parents complain of is when the child’s other parent is a “drop-in” visitor. For some families, it doesn’t seem to matter if there are legal arrangements; the other parent either ignores them, or augments the agreed-upon visits with unannounced drop-ins. The child may think this is great—but it can be hard and frustrating for the custodial parent.
A parent may rely on drop-in visits for a variety of reasons—it could be that he or she doesn’t want to have a set schedule, or it can also be a power play and a boundary issue—the “drop-in” parent my be trying to prove that he or she can do whatever he or she wants—regardless of the divorce or separation status. I have heard of parents saying “It is my house and my child and I can do what I want!” The other parent may also be irresponsible and come to visit without planning either because he doesn’t realize it is an inconvenience or she doesn’t care. It can be really tough for a the custodial parent to set firm boundaries around the drop-in visits—one, because they cannot always be controlled, and two, because the child gets so excited and happy—the “responsible” parent ends up looking like a nasty villain.
I know that for those parents who have to contend with drop-in visits (and I have had to deal with my share), this can be a big deal! Not only do you feel like your space and boundaries are being invaded, but you may also feel like there are elements of disorganization, disregard and power plays going on—all in front of the child. There are several suggestions for trying to tame the drop-ins: you can have a conversation with the other parent and try to set clear visitation boundaries, you can make sure that the visitation arrangements and details are written down in your divorce, separation or parenting agreement, and you can also seek legal advice and help if you feel it is necessary.
I would love to hear from other single parents who have had to deal with the unannounced “drop in” visits from the other parent and how you handled it—any good ideas for the rest of us on how to cope with a “drop-in?”
Also: Re-visit Co-parenting Assumptions
Is There Room in Your Custody and Parenting Agreement for Unscheduled Time?