When I think back to how I formed my identity and my understanding of myself in my growing up years, I realize that a great deal of it was in direct reaction to my parents. As an adolescent, many of my core decisions were made based on doing the opposite of what my parents did! I wanted to be my own person and all I knew was that my “own person” had to be completely different from who they were. I think we have to expect that our children will start to formulate their own identities based on trying to separate and react AGAINST who we are…
Of course, eventually things settle down. At least they did for me and I now can see where I have absorbed some of my parents’ values and ways of looking at the world. Still, I have carried with me conscious choices I made to be different or come at the world in a very contrary way than my parents did. After all these years, I can see that some of my identity and my life choices continue to be reactionary against the world I was brought up in and I expect it will be the same for my own children.
It can be a painful thing to face as a parent. After all—haven’t we done our best to impart wisdom and share our beliefs and values with our kids? Why are they rejecting us? That can be a real blow to the parental ego. It might help to remember your own growing-up process and know that it is perfectly normal for your child to be reacting against you during adolescence. You are the safest, most resilient and unconditionally loving figure they CAN react against. In order to become his own person with his own individual strength and identity, your child needs to use you to “jump off” from on the road to identity. Expecting that your child will be reactionary and you will be the chief figure to be reacted “against” will help you take the child development process with some sense of peace.
Also: Keep Personal Experience in Perspective
Older Teens Really Don’t Come With Parenting Manuals