While I write often here in the Parents Blog about life with three teenagers as a single parent, I do not really write about my plans to continue parenting and add to my family through adoption. As I sit on a “waiting list,” waiting for a referral, I do some volunteer work with some local special needs adoption organizations and prepare myself for becoming a single mom all over again. I have a few very supportive friends (whom I cling to) and plenty of people who wonder why on earth I would want to continue parenting now that I’m nearly “free.” I find myself constantly addressing the fears, myths, and realities about becoming and “older” mom…
I do have some advantages in that I am not going to be a first-time mom at forty. Twenty years of parenting has weathered, seasoned, and relaxed me and while I do feel differently than I did at 23 when my first child was born, I certainly don’t feel like I have less energy, less interest, or the desire to sit silently rocking in a chair on the front porch. As a matter of fact, the “older” parents I’ve spoken with tell me that having young children makes them feel YOUNGER not older.
One reality that I didn’t have in my twenties is that I know solidly who I am—as a parent, a provider, and as a person. While I still feel as though I am evolving, I definitely didn’t know “who I wanted to be when I grew up” twenty years ago and now I do. My life feels balanced in a way it didn’t back then. Although I know that some older parents are quite financially well off, I’m not (so that’s a bit of a reverse myth for me), but I am in control of my finances in a way I wasn’t in my twenties. And I am just not going to worry about the whole “college and retirement” issue that people offer up as a concern for the older parent. Things have always worked out and I’ve always been able to support my family so I have no reason to think I won’t continue to do so.
Of course, I won’t truly know and understand the comparison between being a “young” mother and an “older” mother until I’ve welcomed my new child and have readjusted my family life. I am sure there will be differences—but I don’t think that I am “too old” and I certainly am not the type of person who just couldn’t wait for the kids to grow up and leave home so I could travel, party, or whatever. My focus has always been family, and on achieving a balance between personal fulfillment and family life and I am not interested in letting that go. I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything and I don’t feel like I’m going to miss anything in my forties and fifties if I’m still parenting!
And, finally, I’m not worried about being the “oldest parent” at soccer games and school events–more and more people in their late thirties, forties, and even fifties are starting and maintaining families–so I think we’ll all be a mighty force!
See Also: More Unwed Older Women Having Babies and Books For Mid-Life Moms