This Blog entry is not based on any in-depth scientific research but rather life experience and one failed marriage. The first time around for me was a difficult marriage which taught me all the ways NOT to fight with the person I love the most. My partner, my friend and my soul mate.
Sometimes people think my now, and last, husband and I never fight. After five years of marriage however this is far from the truth. We do in fact fight and rather often but it is how we choose to fight that makes all the difference. In this marriage we have decided to only fight fair.
When I sit back and analyze what we do and how we deal with all the issues we would love to have a knock down drag out over it is not hard to see why others think we never really fight. The truth is we have found it very easy to make our points, vent and get our ways on many issues by using a few basic tools of respect.
1- We stick to the issues that cause the dispute. No dragging in the dirty laundry or brining up something from the past. We just deal with the one or few related things the fight is actually about.
2- We always make “I” statements and never resort to pointing fingers. It is much different to say, “I feel irritated when you eat out of the pan while I am cooking.” then to say, “You make me so mad when you eat out of the pan like that!”
3- We Never ever call each other names of any kind. Especially during an argument or fight.
4- We do not respond defensively when the other needs to vent even if it starts with raised voices or a show of anger.
5- We listen to each other and hear what the other person is trying to say. We also try to recognize when our own point has been made and aviod going on and on about the same subject. The odds of being heard are actually greater if we have a habit of not beating a subject half to death.
6- We try to maintain our sense of humors and recognize we are actually having a fight.
7- We finish our fights. We may end still not agreeing but we attempt to come to some kind of resolution even if it is just that we agree to disagree. We decide some kind of plan of action to deal with the unresolved issues. But, we end the fight with an understanding that it is over or we will take steps to solve those issues we didn’t agree on.
8- We say we are sorry and love each other and then MOVE On without continuing the fight.
It might sound silly or too simplistic but I have found that fighting fair usually means both of us win in the end.
Anna Glendenning is a Families.com Blogger for Adoption.
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