I really enjoying going out on a treasure hunt of fitness funnies on the net. Some of these gems show up in my mailbox, some I find on websites and others I read out of books. Either way, I’m hoping you get to tickle your funny bone, flex your face with laughter and relieve some stress and anxiety.
So kick back, have a laugh and have a great Friday!
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
From Diet Baloney:
- If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
- If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
- When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
- Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for
energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
- Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
- Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
- If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
- If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off
- Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
- STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Oh! that this too solid flesh would melt… — William Shakespeare
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. — Alexander Woollcott